Baby

Diapering “Baby Jesus”

 BabyThe parish Christmas pageant took place today.  My nine-month-old son was slated to play the baby Jesus.  There was no competition for that role this year, despite my efforts to recruit a few of my not-so-churchy friends who had recently had babies.

Usually, the parents of the infant playing baby Jesus also play the roles of Mary and Joseph.  I opted out of this, as I am the church’s only priest, and had to preside at the Eucharist following the pageant.  Besides, my “Joseph” was thirty-five miles away at his own parish, leading the Eucharist there.  A nice graduate student couple, recently engaged, filled out the rest of the Holy Family.

On Sunday morning, we arrived early, a lot earlier than I am used to getting to church these days.  I thought I would feed my son and lay him down for a nap in the playpen in my office.  He had awakened an hour earlier than usual that morning and was in need of a nap by 8:30.  This, of course, was not to happen.  He does not spend a lot of time in my office.  He kept looking around, crazy stimulated.

I took him upstairs where the other kids were getting ready.  His eyes grew wide as he took in the sparkly angels, the rag-tag shepherds, the kings in their shimmery eight-year-old splendor, and the star swinging from a pole held by a five year old swathed in gold lamé.

A dad from the Sunday school walked around snapping pictures.  Another one held a video camera.  My son just took it all in, two fingers in his mouth, his sign for “I’m tired.”  It was going to be a long morning.

I went to change his diaper right before the service started.  A golden fountain erupted.  He peed all over his costume.  The zipper got stuck on the bunting that he was wearing.  And then he started to scream.  I am sure that I am not the only parent who has cursed while getting her child into a Christmas pageant costume, and I am sure that I will not be the last.

I cleaned up the pee, used the last of the wipes to mop off my son’s skin, dressed him in a clean onesie, handed him to a middle school student who was about to assume the role of an innkeeper, and rushed to the sacristy to put on my own vestments.

I returned to the parish hall to say a prayer with the pageant cast, the choir, and the acolytes before the service.  Right before I started the prayer, a rather precocious wise man pulled on my sleeve.  “I have a question for you.  Is it true that a donkey can also be called an ass?”  I glanced over at the kid playing the donkey.   “Yes, that is true,” I said, “but today we are going to use the term ‘donkey.’”

The pageant went off without a hitch.  God showed up once again.  People love to hear that story, especially when it is told by cute children wearing crazy get-ups.  My son sat there on a twenty-something philosophy student’s lap, bouncing up and down and sucking his two fingers.

I whispered a prayer, “You are some crazy God, to come in to all this.”

After church, we had a lovely lunch hosted by our hardworking kitchen crew who already volunteer for way too much stuff.   A bunch of dads sawed away at the Christmas trees, two of which go in the front of the church, and one of which goes in the parish hall.  The kids made ornaments.  Moms sorted costumes.  People ate and were generally merry.  About fifty people asked me questions about stuff.

I plopped my son in a highchair and spilled some Cheerios on the tray.  He started picking them up one by one.

One of my regulars showed up.  He is a man who struggles with severe mental illness who frequently stops by for help with his medication co-pays and other things.  I have been very clear with him, and with other people who regularly seek financial assistance from the church, that he is welcome to join us for worship, but that he has to come during business hours for help with other things.  Today, though, all bets were off.  His father had just died.  He could barely speak.  I looked at my son, picking up cereal off of his tray.  I grabbed a parishioner in passing and asked her to keep an eye on him, and I just left him there, sleepy and cranky and surrounded by the bustle.

I was so torn, torn between this man with his desperation and his sometimes deviousness and his sorrow, and my son, who was so tired, and sweet, and so mine.   And for a moment, I longed to have a normal day at church with my family just once, a day where we could sit together and sing and listen and I wouldn’t have to be in charge, where I could change my kid’s diaper without someone knocking at my door, where I could walk through the parish hall without ten people stopping me for this, that and the other thing.

And then, I thought to myself, my son will be okay.  These people will take care of him.  He is mine, but they will look out for him.

My son came home smelling like other people, as he often does on Sunday mornings.  I’m guessing that the real Baby Jesus, once he grew up, often smelled like other people at the end of the day, too.  He was always touching and being touched.  He was just that kind of guy.  He was just that kind of God.

I tucked my son into bed, his eyes dark in the dim light of his bedroom.  He is so small, so dependent, and yet so beautiful.  As I set him down in his crib, he slipped those two fingers back into his mouth and gazed back at me while I sang him to sleep.  “Away in a manger, no crib for a bed…”

April Berends serves as pastor to the vibrant community of St. Mark’s Episcopal Church in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, where she lives with her husband and two little boys.  When she arrives at church in the morning, she sometimes finds Cheerios stuck to her clothes.

Photo by Paul Hocksenar, http://www.flickr.com/photos/71038389@N00/2807927059/, December 25, 2013, Used by Creative Commons License.

 

 

Pumpkin hands

Thanks and Giving

Pumpkin handsI teach my son thankfulness and the practices of gratitude.  I teach him to say “thank you” when someone gives him something.  As soon as he learns his letters I will teach him to write thank you notes.  We say prayers before bed every night (Okay, most nights; bedtime is hard) and that includes thanks to God for the good things in our lives.

I teach my congregation the same things: we say prayers of thanks throughout our Sunday services.   We send thank you cards to those who help us in ministry.  We say “grace,” which usually amounts to a prayer of gratitude to God, before all our church-wide meals.

Yet, there’s something about all of these thanks-giving practices that bothers me a little bit.  Yes, when my heart feels ready to burst with gratitude because of something good in my life, I want to pray to God to say thanks, and I do.  And yes, I believe that even when we are struggling, even when things are difficult, there is still much to be thankful for and we should express that gratitude.  But even though I live and teach these ideas about thankfulness, I have always had an undeniable bit of discomfort with this giving of thanks.

The discomfort became overwhelming this November, when my Facebook news feed began filling up with “I’m thankful for…” posts.  Maybe you’ve seen this exercise among your Facebook friends, too: Participants post every day of the month with something in their lives for which they are thankful.  Examples might be, “I’m thankful for the best job ever,” or, “Today I’m thankful that I get to stay home with my adorable kids every day!” On about November 2nd, as these thankful posts flooded my feed whenever I logged into Facebook, I realized that I was annoyed and uncomfortable every time I read them.

Rather than resigning myself to live in that irritated state (I check Facebook a lot), I decided to just take a break and avoid the Thankful Posts altogether.  I put up a brief message on my profile page letting people know that I would be back once Advent started, and signed off for the month.

Once I was off Facebook, I had a lot of time to reflect on why I had such a problem with the Thankful Posts.  Shouldn’t any act of gratitude be a joy?  As a pastor, should I not be happy that people are taking time to reflect on their blessings?  Why was I experiencing such misgivings about the Thankful Posts?  What if there is no good reason?  What if I am just a Thanksgiving Grinch?

Then something happened. I was walking my son to his day school class when I passed a bulletin board in the hallway.  The board showed the traditional Thanksgiving image of pilgrims and Indians sharing an overflowing table of food.  I stopped and stared.  They were sharing an overflowing table of food.

None of us really knows what happened on that first Thanksgiving and the version we share with our kids is probably fairly sanitized.  But as I stood looking at that bulletin board, my son tugging at my sleeve, I realized that even the legend of Thanksgiving holds an important message for me.  When the pilgrims arrived in the New World they did not know how to live there.  But (I was taught) a couple of Native Americans took the risk and the time to teach them how to plant crops that would thrive in North America.  When the harvest was returned, the pilgrims and Native Americans shared the feast together, all contributing what they had.

So the first Thanksgiving happened not because the pilgrims and the Native Americans sat at separate tables and yelled across a meadow, “Hey we have fowl! We’re so blessed!” or “We have squash! So thankful!”  The first Thanksgiving happened because Native Americans shared what they had (the skills to plant and harvest) with the pilgrims. Thanksgiving, then, happened not because each side reveled in its bounty, but because in sharing what they each had, all were fed.

Thanksgiving means “giving thanks.”  But staring at that bulletin board, I started to think that maybe a better interpretation of the word for Christians is “Thanks and giving.”  Maybe a better way to think of Thanksgiving is not as an opportunity to bask in the blessedness of every corner of our lives, but to reflect on how much we have, and then find a way to share.  Maybe we give thanks and in recognizing the gifts in our lives, we then give them away.

Thanks and giving–this lesson is all over the Bible.  In Genesis God tells Abram, “I will bless you, and make your name great, so that you will be a blessing” (Genesis 12:2, emphasis added).  Elsewhere, God’s people are instructed to leave portions of their harvests so that the poor may eat (Exodus 22:10, Leviticus 23:22).  Mordecai teaches Esther that perhaps her rise to power is “for just such a time as this,” so that she can save an entire people from genocide (Esther 4:14).  The five barley loaves and two fish of a little boy were not hoarded, but brought to Jesus and multiplied into enough—more than enough—for five thousand (John 6:9-14).  Paul writes to the Corinthians, “by always having enough of everything, you may share abundantly in every good work” (2 Corinthians 9:8).

When I think about these passages, my discomfort with my very-Christian practice of giving thanks begins to make sense.  I have been giving thanks for a long time without ever giving anything else.  A blessing over the food is only half of the Christian practice of gratitude; the other half is sharing that overflowing table with those in need.  A Facebook post about all the ways that I have far more than I need is an expression of thanks, yes, but it can’t stop there.  When we have been given much, much is asked in return.

You and I have been blessed.  But as followers of Christ we understand that our blessings are not intended to settle into our homes and lives and Facebook statuses; our blessings are intended to flow through us to others.  I will continue to teach my son and my parishioners that gratitude is the appropriate response to God’s good blessings, but I will add that it is only part of the response.  The other half is the giving.

What would it look like to say thanks and give?  What would it look like to celebrate Thanks-and-Giving?  Maybe we make a budget for our Thanksgiving meals, and then cut it by two-thirds, spending the smaller portion on our own Thanksgiving and giving the rest to a food bank.  Maybe we thank God for the ability to be a stay-at-home mom, and then offer to check in on the home-bound man next door while his daughter goes to work each day.  Maybe we keep our Facebook status, “I am so thankful for my amazing husband!” but then add, “He does so much for us around the house and he’s great at it.  If any of my elderly friends need a helping hand, message me.” You might want to check with your husband first about this, I don’t know.  I don’t have a husband.  Husbands might get testy about being left out of such a decision.

Whatever it looks like, let’s not stop at thank-you notes or prayers of thanks or Facebook posts.  Let’s not stop at celebrating Thanksgiving with more food than we need and nowhere for it to go but our expanding waists.  Instead, let’s think ahead and find ways to express our gratitude through sharing and giving.  Let’s celebrate Thanks-and-Giving this year.

Kelsey Grissom Johnson is the associate pastor at Cahaba Heights United Methodist Church in Birmingham, Alabama.  She and her three-year-old son Houston share their apartment with Nicky the dog, Alice the cat, and Dinosaur the goldfish. Given the demographics represented in her home, Kelsey gives thanks daily for Scotchgard, Clorox wipes, and Anne Lamott.

Photo Credit: Gabriela Pinto, licensed under Creative Commons, <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/45642240@N05/6209099803/”>GabrielaP93</a> via <a href=”http://compfight.com”>Compfight</a> <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/”>cc</a.

Twin Feet

Choosing to Serve

Twin Feet“Choose this day whom you will serve…but as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.”         Joshua 24:15

Every choice we make to do one thing is a choice not to do another. One of the choices I made earlier on was to devote my life to serving God’s church.  By choosing this I chose not to go to medical school or pursue an engineering or management degree, but to major in religion and classics.  I spent my time learning Greek and Latin instead of molecules or physics.  Could I have served God while having a secular career? Of course, but God was calling me to serve full-time as an ordained clergy person.

I began ordained ministry single without even a houseplant to care for.  Throughout the last ten years as a priest, my life has changed dramatically. After adopting two plants and a dog, I entered a serious relationship that eventually led to marriage and children.  I know God has led me through these transitions and called me to the vocation of both spouse and mother, as surely as to the priesthood. Yet, I keep realizing how my vocation as a parent is a choice to follow God one way and to not follow God in another.

About a month ago, the implications of this choice became very clear to me.  I had a day designated to spend with my kids (twins, now 15 months old) enjoying them and caring for them.  In the middle of this day I received a call that a wonderful, elderly member of my parish was in the last hours of her life.  After speaking with her granddaughter, I immediately called my children’s daycare, only to discover that they didn’t have room that day for two infants. My husband, also a clergyperson, was in the midst of caring for his parish an hour away and could not come home.

That day, which had begun as a joyful day with my children, brought my vocation as a mother and my vocation as a priest up against one another.  I have heard of many stories of ordained mothers taking their infants to visit those who are dying.  Before I became a parent, I dreamed of visitations with a cooing baby and how much the elderly parishioners would smile to see a tiny face.  The surprise of my life, I found out one February day, was that God had chosen to give me the gift of twins!  The idea of my two toddlers running around the house as this grandmother lay dying did not seem like it would be a welcome visit.

I have often told family members who were not able to by a loved one’s bedside in their time of need that God heard their prayers and was with their loved one even when they were not.  Today, I had to believe these words could be true in my own life and ministry.  My heart was torn by my desire to be the physical presence of God’s love in the room – there when no one else wanted to be to say one last, final blessing on this woman in her earthly pilgrimage.  I had visited her just days before and shared both communion and prayers, but it just didn’t seem the same.  However, that day God called me to share my presence with two growing toddlers.  I found myself in almost constant prayer for this woman at the end of her life, and my prayers for her joined with prayers for my children, that they might be at the beginning of equally long God-filled lives.

I have read so many articles that imply or outwardly state that current generations who choose not to have children are self-centered that individuals who make that choice just want to have fun while they are young, but I realized that if I had chosen not to have children I would have been at that woman’s bedside and that many women whose vocation is to not have children of their own serve in ways that I can not at this stage in my life.

I love my twins in a way that I love no other and I would not give them up for the world. They have opened up new ways for me to share God’s love in the world and a greater understanding of God as our amazing creator.  Our call to parenthood shapes all other parts of our life, including our call to the priesthood.

The inward struggle comes when one vocation butts heads with another.  It is then when we realize the manifold consequences of following two calls from God.  I take to heart the words of the apostle Paul, though my prayers could go forth, I could not be all things to all people at this moment (1 Corinthians 9:22). Both my vocation as a priest and as a mother are callings from God, and I am learning how to trust that God will find new ways to work through me in sharing love with the world. These two callings often complement and strengthen each other, but balancing the two is not without its challenges.

Are you a clergywoman balancing the dual vocations of parenting and ordained ministry?  Tell us about your experience in the comments section below.

The Rev. Heather Hill is an Episcopal priest serving as Rector of All Saints Episcopal Church in Parma, Ohio.  She and her husband, also an Episcopal priest, are currently learning how to live out two vocations (priesthood and parenthood) with their sixteen month old twins.  In her spare time…just kidding, what spare time?

Photo Credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/65903766@N00/2703829973/”>surlygirl</a> via <a href=”http://compfight.com”>Compfight</a> <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/”>cc</a>

 

Communication board

What is Most Important

Communication boardI lost it twice. I broke down crying, wondering what has happened to me and my life and how in the world I could be both a mom and a minister.  I had two weeks until the start of school, and then things would change, but this summer turned out to be harder than I thought it would be.

After a morning in which my son would not sit still, running and yelling in the house and outside of the house, I paused to make myself some lunch, because when I made his lunch he would not sit down.  Two minutes later, I discovered him naked from the waist down, running around and covered in dirt from head to toe. Abandoning my half-made sandwich, I got him into the bath, and I broke down crying. I was supposed to be prepping for a church board meeting, doing the bulletin insert, updating my blog and writing my sermon, and instead I was scrubbing dirt out of my child’s skin. Earlier that day, it had taken a while to calm him down because he had a runny nose. A runny nose will cause him to scream, and even bang his head at times, but dirt—he loves it.

The second time I cried was when we received the long-awaited phone call to schedule AJ’s dual surgical procedure. He is going to be put under to treat a cavity and do other dental care (It takes both my husband and I, holding him down, to brush his teeth.) and the audiology department at Children’s is going to do a test they can only do when he is under anesthesia.  We have needed to schedule the audiology appointment for a while, but I did not want to subject my son to anesthesia for one test, when we are fairly certain his hearing is all right, he just won’t participate in a standard hearing test. So we are going to have both procedures at the same time. The earliest we could get him in for the anesthesia, however, is near the end of November. The dental appointment that revealed the cavity was at the beginning of July. I couldn’t believe that they would put him off that long, but that was the earliest available appointment. I cried. I couldn’t believe they didn’t have anything available sooner, especially for a child with autism and a cavity, but I have to live with it.

After I calmed down from that call and just after I finished making notes for my board meeting that evening, my son started crying. Big time. He couldn’t stop. From what I could tell, it wasn’t his nose this time. I brought him his communication board, and he pointed to “eat.” Good, he wanted to eat, even though he’d had a snack a half-hour earlier. I gave him choices, and he pointed to “fruit,” so I gave him some grapes. He cried more and pushed the bowl of grapes away. I gave him back the board; he pointed to crackers. I gave him some crackers, the same snack that he had finished a half-hour before, but he threw his head back and started screaming, and then pushed the communication board at me. I put down the board and grabbed a cereal bar, which we call “cookies” in our house, and offered him a cookie. He pushed it away. I went to put the bar away and AJ started screaming—a full out meltdown. I brought back the cookie on a hunch and opened it, and he immediately stopped crying and screaming and began to eat.

I lost it. I cried and cried. I hate that I cannot understand my son. I am so frustrated that a child who has known his alphabet since he was twenty months old, knows numbers and shapes and even tries to read, cannot understand communication and cannot tell me what he needs. I am so frustrated that at age five I am still changing his diapers and wiping his bottom and telling him to keep his hands out of his pants all the time because I’m afraid it will come back up with poop and it will be everywhere.  This has happened, more than once.

I serve in a part-time ministry position with no reliable childcare and am the primary parent home with AJ during the week.  This means that I cannot often go visit my church members on a regular basis.  It means I cannot sit in the office for more than an hour at a time to work.  It means I am often working with a DVD soundtrack on in the background or trying to keep an eye on him outside (in the beginning of the summer, working outside went well—I worked on the deck and could keep an eye on him—but now he just comes and gets me every few minutes to eat something or to go with him inside).  It means people come by the church office and always seem surprised to see me at home instead of the office and then make the assumption that I am not working.

I feel stressed out. All the time. I feel like I never give my best to the church and that I’ve failed as a mom to give my attention to him.

And then I realize that this day that I’ve just described is just one day, one bad day out of so many good days.  What will I remember most from that day? Probably not that I was frustrated and cried, or that AJ was frustrated and crying.  I won’t remember that I got organized for another church board meeting, or that I wrote a blog entry, or read theology, or finished a project, or cleaned the kitchen.  I will remember AJ running and laughing half naked.  I will remember that AJ had, overall, a very happy day, and that he used the word “Eat.”

Because in all that frustration and crying, I almost didn’t hear that not only did he point to the word, but he actually said it. “Eat.” He vocalized his need. And on that day, this was the most important thing that happened.

Mindi Welton-Mitchell is an American Baptist pastor in Burien, Washington and full-time mom to her 5-year-old son AJ who has autism. Mindi is married to a Disciples of Christ minister and together they are planting Open Gathering, a new church plant in Bellevue, WA geared towards including families that have children with special needs.

Photo courtesy of the author.

Changing talbe

Simple Things: On Welcoming Families with Children

Changing talbeI have attended almost every conference that The Young Clergy Women Project has hosted, but the conference in Nashville last month was the first one that offered childcare as part of the registration process.  The conference committee performed the amazing feat of transforming two Divinity school classrooms into kid and baby-friendly spaces.  They thought of everything: cribs, a changing station lined with disposable paper, a potty seat and step stool in the bathroom, a room with a comfortable chair and sofa so moms could pump milk or breastfeed their babies, a refrigerator for storing milk and snacks, and, of course, a number of caring, trained childcare workers.

I traveled to Nashville with my second child; he was so young that he hadn’t even started daycare yet.  I kept him with me most of the time, but I was so thankful that there was a comfortable place to feed him, a clean place to change him, and a place where I knew that he would be well cared for if he was fussy, or if I just needed a break.

On Monday evening, I entered the chapel for our opening worship service.  All along the perimeter of the room, moms with babies and young children sat comfortably, some nursing, some bouncing babies, some gratefully handing their children to friends who had offered to hold them.   My heart filled with gratitude for this place so full of life, for these women whose song was punctuated by squeals and screeches, and for the TYCWP conference committee, whose thoughtful planning allowed so many clergy moms to fully participate in the conference.    I am happy to report that the committee charged with planning The Young Clergy Women Project’s 2014 Conference (Minneapolis, early July) is working to line up childcare for next year, as well.

All of this got me thinking about ways that churches can make our spaces and communities friendlier for families with kids.  I tapped into the collective wisdom of my colleagues in The Young Clergy Women Project, and together, we came up with these (relatively) simple things.

Intentionally welcome children in worship.

Children’s programs such as Sunday School and nursery care are great, and will go a long way in attracting families, but it’s also important to make room for children during worship.  We are, after all, the whole body of Christ, young and old alike. Opportunities for multigenerational interaction are increasingly rare in the lives of many families. Even if the kids at your church are in programs for much of the year, make some time for everyone to worship together.   Offer a children’s sermon every few weeks, and you might just find that the adults listen better than they’ve ever listened. Put in some songs that children know.  Let kids lead readings or usher or serve as acolytes. Ask a Sunday School class to write the prayers of the people.  Invite children around the font to witness a baptism.  Let them help pour the water or splash around a bit.   Have a basket filled with shakers, tambourines or drums, and hand them to children for the closing hymn.  Watch the smiles spread across the faces of your parish elders as they hear this joyful noise.

Speaking of joyful noises (and not-so-joyful ones, too), an encouraging word from a pastor or other parish leader goes a long way in easing the mortification that many parents feel when their child starts wailing or shouts something “inappropriate” during church.  If you truly want to welcome children in church, church is going to be a little bit noisy.  Keep a kind-spirited sense of humor about it.

Make space for kids within the worship space. 

Create a kid-friendly area within your worship space.  Take out a pew or two to make an area where kids can stretch out.  Include books, a rug and a few soft toys and make sure that they get cleaned regularly.   Consider the placement of this area.  It should be relatively close to an entrance to the worship space.  While a few families like to be close to the liturgical actions, many parents of busy-bodied kids prefer to be near the rear of the worship space, where their kids’ behavior isn’t on display for all to see.   Rocking chairs can be a blessing to nursing mothers and anyone else holding a fussy baby.   Make sure that the books that you select for your children’s area, if religiously themed, actually reflect the theology of your denomination or community.

 Be inviting, but flexible.

Even if you have a well-equipped nursery with wonderful staff and beautiful Sunday School classrooms with wonderful teachers, not all families will want to make use of these services.  For some families, that hour on Sunday mornings is one of the few times of the week that they can be together all in one place. Some children are shy and have a real struggle being separated from their parents, especially in a new place.  Train greeters and ushers to let parents know about activities and programs for children, but do not pressure families to make use of these services.

Install changing tables in convenient locations.

Whenever possible, changing tables should be located on the same floor as the worship space and in both men’s and women’s restrooms.  Better yet, designate a single-stall restroom as unisex and put a changing table in there.   Dads change diapers, too.  My husband, who is out around town with our kids a lot more than I am, is particularly sensitive to this.  If he is out at a restaurant and there is a table in the women’s restroom but not the men’s, he will ask the manager to stand guard outside the ladies’ room until he emerges with a freshly changed baby.  Equip bathrooms with a lidded diaper pail or trash can.  For extra-thoughtful hospitality, stock the changing area with wipes and a few sizes of diapers.

Be responsive to special needs.

Visiting a new church with a family of young children is enough to make any parent nervous.  For families with special needs kids, visiting a new congregation can be downright daunting.   On that first visit, you will almost certainly discover ways in which your church is not equipped to meet all of the needs of a family with a special needs child.  Please, please, please do not let that stop you from welcoming them. Ask the parents what would be helpful.  If challenges came up during their visit, ask what you might be able to do to make the next visit a better experience.   Caring for a child with special needs can be incredibly physically, emotionally and spiritually demanding. Instead of placing the burden of fitting into your community on families that are already stressed, show them that you are willing to change the way that you do things in order to fully welcome them.

Allow children to explore holy space.

Like so many things in the lives of young children, there’s a lot about church that is designated off limits.  Yet, many kids who go to church, even very young ones, have some understanding that there’s something special going on.  Invite children to participate in supervised exploration of your chancel or sanctuary.  Let them dip their hands in the baptismal font.  Let them touch the communion vessels.  Take them up to the organ console while the organist plays a demo.  Have the praise band teach the kids about their instruments.   Show them the colors of the liturgical seasons, and let them run their hands along the fabric.  Children know this is a special place.  Help them to know that they are fully a part of it.

How does your church provide welcome for families with young children?  We would love to hear your thoughts in the “Comments” section below.

April Berends is the Rector of St. Mark’s Episcopal Church in Milwaukee, Wisconsin and the mother of two lively sons.  This is her first column as the new editor of “Moms in Ministry,” and she is grateful to Alex Hendrickson, the previous editor of this column for all the gifts she has shared in this space over these past five years.

Editor’s note: The Young Clergy Women Project, including all of the mamas who were able to attend our conference in Nashville because childcare was provided, extends our sincere gratitude to Vanderbilt Divinity School for so graciously accommodating us and our children.  We also thank Christ United Methodist in Franklin, TN, Westminster Presbyterian in Nashville and Katherine Hande Smith, the Director of Admissions at Vanderbilt Divinity School, for lending us nursery supplies and equipment.

Photo by Bob Page, http://www.flickr.com/photos/76775365@N00/145815282/ August 21, 2013, used under Creative Commons license.

43IgmTL

Making Lists: One Mom’s Response to the Trayvon Martin Case

As a wife, mother, and clergy person I struggle with what to tell my son about Trayvon Martin.  As the mother of a five-month old black male, I am particularly concerned about what I will tell him.  There will be a day when my son will ask me some hard questions and I hope I am ready to answer his questions.  I hope that I’ve laid the groundwork for him to understand how incredibly valued he is and how racism is not his fault.

Because I needed to grieve for Trayvon and because I needed to think through what I was going to say in the future, I pulled together a list of the things we say to him now.  I have seen several of these lists already, but they all seemed to be missing something. They were all missing God and they were all missing an important lesson, that humans are valued.  This list is my attempt to make sense of a world that sometimes doesn’t make any sense, to myself or to the tiny human that is my son.

 

 

 

 

What I say to Isaac :

1).     You are loved. Isaac, you are loved and beloved by God.  God loves you and knit you together.  God loved you so much that he sent his only son to live, die, and be raised again so that you could have eternal life.  Isaac, God loves you every second of every day and will love you forever.  God loves you in your joy and in your sadness. God is always with you and God always loves you.

Isaac, your parents love you.  We love you and will do our best to make sure you know that every day.  Some days we will definitely fail and some days we will not get along, but we will always love you.  Your extended family loves you.  Your grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, (and because we are southerners all of those people we aren’t related to but call aunts and uncles — they love you too).

2).     You are wonderful, you are beautiful, you are strong, you are smart, and you are worth it.  God holds you in God’s hands and cherishes you as something marvelous.  God surrounds you with his grace, not because you are perfect, but because you are complex, interesting, and wonderful. Thankfully we are not made to be perfect.  We are made to stumble and fall, we are made to be human.  Our humanity makes us fragile, but we are made to be good.  We are made to love mercy, do justice, and walk humbly with God.  You are so wonderful; you are so worth it, so keep trying.

3).     We expect you to strive to be a good man.  We expect you to be respectful, helpful, thoughtful, and kind.  We also expect that you will not live up to those expectations all the time.  You will eventually be a teenager, you will probably rebel, and that is part of your job as a child.  You will have to figure your own way to be a good man.  During all of this though, we expect you to be a good man.  We will work very hard to teach you all of this by modeling this behavior, but as I said in #2, we are all human and we make mistakes.  We promise not to just say these words, but we will try and live them out everyday.  I pray that we can live in a way that teaches you how to be a good man, and I promise, we are doing our best.

4).     Some people are mean and it has nothing to do with you. There are a lot of hurting and broken people in our world.  There are a lot of people that are mad and that don’t know how to deal with their anger.  You have seen firsthand that there are people that are hurting, both your parents are clergy; we are up to our eyeballs in the hurt and pain of others.  Some of these people might take their own issues out on you.  Their issues have absolutely nothing to do with you.  Some of these people will assume terrible things about you just because of the color of your skin.  Never. Ever. Believe Them.  Re-read #’s 1 and 2; there is nothing wrong with you.  Some people may even try and harm you, do not engage them.  I can imagine you will want to stand up to them, (you have a lot of me in you) but sometimes to survive you have to run.  Keep walking, run if you have to, call an adult, call the police, and ask for help.  (Sometimes the police will not be on your side, but please assume that they will be).  Do not try and fight crazy; crazy will always win.

Right now my little son is exclaimed as cute wherever he goes.  Our congregation lines up to exclaim at his cuteness, and little Isaac obliges with giggles, coos, and smiles; he’s already the overly accommodating PK (we’ll have to talk about that).  We live in the south and since we are all generally cousins and overly friendly, whenever we are out with him we are stopped and told that he is very, very cute.  It is true, I think he is absolutely adorable and his fans have fomented my belief that he is as cute as I think he is.

When most people see him they see an adorable little face they want to kiss and hold.  But what is society going to see when he becomes a teenager and then an adult black man?  If he is so incredibly cute right now, what are we all going to see when he is big?  Are we going to see that same cute face only bigger, with opinions, attitudes, and thoughts?  Or are we going to see a threatening face, meant to rob and kill?  Are we going to assume my little Isaac is nefarious or are we going to remember that he is Isaac?   Something changes in people when a black male child becomes a black teenager and then a black man.  And so I am working to prepare little Isaac for a world that is not ready for him.

I saw a cartoon the other day that hit entirely too close to home. It showed a mother handing her black son a sign to pin on himself that said, “Don’t shoot, on my way to school.”  Am I going to have to make Isaac that sign?  I know that most of the time we don’t know what to do or say when it comes to talking about race. And that makes me afraid for my son.

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My Doula

Several hours into hard labor, no drugs, with my second child, I had to pee.  I made the decision that it was too much work to walk to the bathroom. “I’m gonna pee!” I announced. And as the urine hit the hospital bed, my first thought was, “Well, this certainly moves my relationship with Martha from pastor-parishoner to something entirely different.”

I am chief among those who extoll the importance of boundaries between pastors and their congregations. (I’m the child of a minister and a clinical social worker: I was raised speaking family-systems.) Urinating on a bed in front of the church people is definitely not a part of my understanding of appropriate boundaries.

Martha was a member of my congregation, part of the committee that had called me as pastor for children and youth five years earlier. After a few years, I had identified her as one of the “safe” people, people who got it that pastors are human (she’s a PK, which is no coincidence). But when my husband and I had trouble getting pregnant again, I found myself telling Martha about it. She was a natural birthing instructor, and I admired her combination of granola-crunchy sensibility tempered with a healthy respect for the wonders of modern medicine.

That was the beginning of a journey toward the peeing. A year later, after some medical assistance, I was pregnant. My first child, who had been shockingly easy to conceive, had blessed us with a dicey pregnancy and then was an absolute nightmare to get out, culminating with an exhausting emergency c-section after several hours of pushing. My plan for not having another one of those involved an attempt at an unmedicated birth this time around. And so my husband and I found ourselves enrolled in Martha’s birthing class, sitting on the floor of her living room with four other couples every week for three months, discussing the utmost of private details, emotions, anatomy, and fears.

And then we decided to ask her to be our doula, too. (A doula is a professional who supports a woman before, during, and immediately after labor. Recognize the word, Greek scholars?) I wavered on that decision for weeks. Was this maybe too personal? Wouldn’t the boundaries get too blurry? But we knew her and we trusted her and, boundaries aside, it made sense.

The day Abram was born was a Sunday: our head pastor was able to announce in church that I was in labor, and the whole congregation was able to pray together for me. I was a couple miles away from church, in a room with my husband; my Mom; (my Dad, popping in and out while reading the Sunday New York Times in the waiting room); a fabulous hospital staff, and my OB; and Martha, too. She was there through the whole messy and wonderful thing. (If you love birth stories, here’s my take and here’s Martha’s.)

My church, boundaries and all, is my spiritual family. And they were there with me, body and soul, that day. I am grateful for their presence, because it wasn’t an easy birth (though the outcome was exactly what we had hoped for).

Giving birth was the most embodied experience of my life. Birth is embodied from the down and dirty minutia of muscle and blood and fluid and excretions, to the pain and sensation, to the rhythm of breathing and contracting and pushing, heartbeat and blood pressure, right on to the big moment of a new little person coming out of your body and being placed on your chest. If the experience of birthing is not about bodies, I don’t know what is.

I have a hard time with idea of birth as a spiritual experience: that rubs me the wrong was theologically. God made us as beings with bodies. We are embodied creatures. We are meant to experience God not just in “spirit” but also in the embodied creation around us: the real life, physical, touchable world.

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I believe in embodied ministry, too. It matters that we are able to talk and touch and hug our congregations. It matters that we are with them, body and soul. Living and experiencing God through the body is a key part of the Christian understanding of who God is and how God relates to us. Don’t forget: we believe that in order to carry out salvation, God became flesh (incarnation), embodied. We live this out as pastors.

I still believe in boundaries. But there are always a few people in each call who play multiple roles in our lives and blur the boundaries. We take those relationships with us when we leave a church. Last week, Martha and her family had a four hour layover at the airport in our new town. We got a few precious hours with them.
My oldest child, now almost seven, said, as we drove to pick them up, “Martha’s really like family, isn’t she?”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

Erica Schemper is a Presbyterian pastor who lives on the San Francisco Peninsula with her husband and two kids. While she waits for the next ministry thing, she enjoys hiking and running and driving on Highway 1 and chasing her kids…and day dreams about the next full time ministry call if only because it will allow her to once again afford childcare and house cleaning. She blogs at “Don’t Flay the Sheep“.

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An Inadvertent Invention: Pastoral Visits with a Preschooler

Necessity is the mother of invention, as the saying goes. But there really should be another saying: Motherhood necessitates invention. Especially when you are both a mother and a pastor.

I started a new job when my son was five weeks old, a half-time position as intentional interim pastor in a church that had had conflict with its previous pastor. Most of my job was leading a congregational self-assessment and study as well as leading worship and preaching on Sunday mornings. With the help of my then-husband, a very nice babysitter, and a tremendously easy-going baby, I made it work.

Except for the visitation part of being a pastor. I have always struggled with this part of ministry, since I am a major introvert, and it has always fallen to the bottom of my legion to-do lists. But now with a baby, it seemed doubly impossible that I should get around to visit the homebound members on my roster. My pastor guilt and my mother guilt were at war.

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Then one morning when I was in the office, baby in tow, a homebound member, Donna, called to say that her grandson had just died and could I please come and see her right away. You can’t refuse a request like that. So, I packed up the diaper bag, breast pump, and my work bag, buckled baby in his car seat and we went. The three hours I spent with Donna that afternoon I remember fondly as one of the best visits I’ve ever made.

What I didn’t know was that the little one I was viewing as an obstacle to the work I was supposed to be doing was in fact an entry into deeper conversation with a fellow mother, a balm for the grief of a grandmother who had just lost a beloved grandson, and a gurgling, giggling reminder that there is life even in the midst of death. She cuddled my son and talked about what a wonderful gift family is, but also how much being a parent and grandparent breaks your heart. As he played on the floor, she talked about her memories of the grandson she had cared for when he was a baby.

Fast forward to a few months ago, when I had all but forgotten about this experience. My son is in daycare now and I have more time to go and visit without him along. Though I am now divorced, between daycare and careful scheduling of my weekends, I am usually able to fit my work into times when my son is being cared for by another. Unless someone dies. Then everything goes to you-know-where in a hurry.

One of my homebound members had been languishing in hospice for several weeks, hanging on to the last bit of life despite not eating and drinking. Then Saturday morning her daughter called to say I’d better come right away. I looked at my son playing with his trucks, and I must have hesitated, because the woman said, “Oh, do you have your son with you? Just bring him along.” So I did.

And it happened again, a beautiful visit with women of faith. But this time there was a difference: the visit not only opened up the conversation with those for whom I was caring. It opened up conversation with my son too. I explained, as best you can to a three year old, that the woman we were going to see was very sick, that we would be praying with her and reading the bible, and that she probably would be asleep most of the time.

He wanted to know why she was sick, and when she would get better. When I explained that she wouldn’t get better, we started a conversation about death that is still going in bits and pieces these months later. He now understands that sometimes people die, and he is simultaneously fearful that he will get so sick that he doesn’t get better, and hopeful because he knows that sometimes people that die come back to life (“like Jesus, Mommy!” he says).

He is developing a compassionate for others that is astounding to me. About a week after we visited the dying woman, he turned to me after our bedtime prayers. “Mommy,” he said, “What about that girl we visited? Did she get better?” He routinely reminds me to pray for those I’ve forgotten about, and asks that we pray for his friends who fell down and got scrapes on the playground that day.

By complete accident, out of necessity, I discovered that one of the best ways to teach my son to practice faith is by taking him with me as I practice mine. This means that I take him not just to church on Sunday morning, but into the everyday (sometime) drudgery of pastoring. I’m thankful for the conversations this accident has opened up, both with members of the congregations I serve, and with my son. It’s now part of my ministry to pick him up early from daycare once a week and take him to visit a homebound member.

Except when his nose is running neon green. Then he stays at daycare.

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A View From the Pew

I am a newcomer.

That is an identity that I haven’t worn in 18 years.  But as a newly-staying-at-home mom who also happens to be an Episcopal priest, a priest whose family spent several months seeking a church home, I see church through new eyes….the eyes of one sitting in a pew.

My husband, two year old daughter, and I have visited about ten churches in the past three months. I am here to tell you that you all are doing a great job—the preaching has been very, very good, I am inspired by the opportunities for engagement in my own spiritual formation and that of my daughter and husband, and I see plenty of places where I can jump in to serve the wider community and world in the name of Christ.

But what I don’t know, is where to find the nursery. Or the bathroom. And I’m not sure where to park, or if you expect me to volunteer in the nursery, or if you consider me a member of your church.

When I reflect on my time as a parish priest, specifically one who worked with children and youth, there are a few things of which I so wish I had been more aware.

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Signs, Signs, Everywhere Signs (or not)

Once my GPS has finished its work and I am parked somewhere near your church, I am 100% at your mercy. God blessed me with an excellent sense of direction, but even I don’t know where to go. Churches have many, many different entrances, at least 600 per church, and most bear not one sign. We newcomers really do read signs. Maybe ask some folks who don’t worship at your church to do a site visit, and have them tell you where they need direction. Those signs are a welcome sight for a newcomer, and they speak volumes about the hospitality of a congregation.

First Responders

Now that I have made my way into your church, I might need a little more direction from a live human being. I might need to know where a certain Sunday school classroom is or where the bathroom is. Churches are doing a much better job of appointing people to serve as “greeters,” a separate ministry from “ushering.” The challenge is that these greeters like to talk—with each other! I like that people are happy to see each other! But they forget to welcome newcomers! Train your greeters to be on the lookout for newcomers and to make a step towards us. (We are easy to pick out. We look lost and gravitate to the pews in the back.)

First Responders Part II

I was in charge of our church’s childcare ministry. I’ve been the one to receive the 8:55 phone call saying no one can work in the nursery at the 9:00 service. These things happen. And not every church has the finances or the ethos to offer childcare during worship, and that is okay. But, if your church does have a nursery, know that it is both a wonderful gift and an awesome responsibility. We newcomers are nervous about leaving our most precious treasures with you. If you are calm (not rushing in a minute before the service starts), ask about allergies, ask about preferences around being called if our child is upset, and ask about pottying, we will rest much easier. I sat through one service not listening to one word because I was worried about my child. A calm, professional, warm childcare provider makes a hugely positive impression!

Website

Not every church has a website, but if yours does, keep it up to date. Yes, a nice, crisp website is a good start. But if the information is outdated, the value of having a website is severely compromised. An outdated website does not a good first impression make.

Vocabulary

Even those of us who are well versed in church talk are sometimes at a loss when it comes to announcements about ministry gatherings. For example, “St. Margaret’s is meeting on Sunday, March 3, at 5:00 in the Parlor. Newcomers welcome!” I am wracking my brain to remember who St. Margaret is, and what the focus of her namesake group might therefore be. Many announcements use insider language. The person who proofs announcements serves newcomers well by asking if the language is inviting or informational to those who have forgotten Saints 101.

Expectations

My final thought is that the “welcome” stage is but the first phase of embracing newcomers. The second phase is newcomer integration. Now that we’ve decided to make yours our church home, what are you going to do with us? What are we supposed to be doing? Pledging? Transferring our membership? Volunteering in the nursery? Making cookies for coffee hour? I dare say, the newcomer integration part is probably more critical than the original welcome. We newly-committed newcomers are nervous that we’re not doing something that we’re supposed to be doing. Tell us what you expect from us, whether that is via newcomers classes, being connected to other members who can shepherd us, or a meeting with the clergy.

Welcoming newcomers is intentional work, and it takes time, training, and money. And, it’s often difficult for existing church members to have an objective perspective about their congregation, because they already speak the language and know every nook and cranny of the building. Don’t be afraid to visit other churches (hard for clergy) or have members of the newcomers committee visit other churches to walk in the shoes of a visitor. Or, think about the most hospitable places in your town (ours is probably the YMCA), and talk about what it is that makes those places feel so warm and welcoming. Then, do what they do! In the eyes of a newcomer, a little bit….a sign, a “Hi, can I help you?” or “Does your child have any allergies?”…. goes a very long way.

 Jet Lowe [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons.

The Rev. Mary Davila and her husband and daughter are new members of St. Michael’s Episcopal Church in Raleigh, which does have a wonderful childcare ministry, greeters, and signs galore.

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Your Pregnant Pastor: Ten Things You Should Know

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  1. I am grateful that you’re happy for us.  Far too many women still face on-the-job discrimination and hostility because of pregnancy.  It wasn’t so long ago that it was legal to fire women because they were pregnant!  I feel so blessed that this community is excited to welcome our baby.  I’m excited too.
  2. I don’t have morning sickness… any more.  For most women, morning sickness is most intense in the first trimester.  But the first trimester is the early, risky part of the pregnancy, when miscarriage is most likely, so most women wait until it’s over to tell people.  By the time I told you I was expecting a baby, my morning sickness was over.  I do have plenty of other pesky pregnancy-related ailments, though, so if that’s what you’re wondering you could ask “How are you feeling?”
  3. I still love to talk about God.  Remember when we used to talk about God a lot?  And also about spirituality, the church, and Jesus? It was before I was pregnant.  I miss that.  Let’s keep talking about God, okay?
  4. I can still do lots of things!  Your pregnant pastor’s mileage may vary, but many pregnant pastors are just fine carrying chairs, setting up tables, taking the stairs, and standing in the pulpit to preach.  I know you want me to take good care of myself, and I appreciate it.  If you see me doing something that you worry about, please don’t scold me like a naughty child!  You’re welcome to ask me “Pastor, would you like me to do that for you?” or “Pastor, do you need help with that?”
  5. But there are some things I can’t do.  I might need to sit down if I’m tired, or slip out for a minute or two during a long worship service.  I may need to put my feet up on a chair.  I might need to eat more often than normal.  It is a bit harder for me to keep track of details and dates.  Again, your pregnant pastor’s mileage may vary.  I really appreciate the grace and patience my congregants have extended to me!
  6. I’m getting a lot of advice.  Like, really, a LOT of advice.  Some helpful, some conflicting, some medically unsafe.  If you want to share advice with me, I’m more likely to listen if it’s just one or two really important things.  The best advice I’ve gotten was from a congregant.  She said, “Don’t worry about all the advice you’re getting.  You’ll find your own way, and you’ll figure it out.  You’ll be fine.”
  7. I still want to know what’s going on in your life.  I know that you’re very excited about my pregnancy, but I’m still your pastor, and I want to hear about you!  I’ll update you about my pregnancy (if you ask), but then I’m going to ask about your life, and I really want to hear how you’re doing.
  8. If you want to touch my belly, I’d like you to ask me first.  I know it’s sticking way out and it’s very tempting, but it’s still my abdomen.  We don’t touch other people’s abdomens without asking.
  9. I am excited for my baby to be part of the church.  I love the church, and I love my congregants – that’s why I’m a pastor!  I can’t wait for my baby to meet you, his church family.  His life will be richer because you’re in it.
  10. I will still be your pastor.  Sometimes pastors can be parental figures, and a new baby can cause a bit of anxiety or sibling rivalry.  So I hope you really hear this: when I am his mom, although things may need to change a bit, I will still be your pastor, and I will still love you.

Image by: Claude Covo-Farchi, used with permission.


Rev. Emily M. Brown is an ordained minister in the United Church of Christ.  She is the Associate Pastor of Broadway United Church of Christ, and a graduate of Union Theological Seminary, both in New York City.  She was also the recipient of the 2010 David H. C. Read Memorial Preacher/Scholar Award.  She blogs at feministpastor.blogspot.com.  She and her spouse are expecting a baby in late May.