It just happened again. I put down a copy of my seminary alumni magazine, after reading yet another article about how clergywomen can “have it all”. In the nearly seven years since my ordination and ten years since I began my seminary career, the drumbeats insisting that clergywomen can be both full-time pastors and full-time mothers have grown steadily louder and more resolute. Not only can we do this, the voices chorus, but we should do this. Evidently we owe it to the church to model the ways in which the best congregation can live out the ideals of the Christian family. This means ministry and mothering overlapping in as many ways and settings as one can imagine. It is now de rigueur for women pastors to describe their intertwined work and family life after the arrival of a child by boasting along the lines of, “I brought her to work and breastfed while wearing vestments.”
This conversation about the mother/pastor takes place in locales as diverse as the cool confines of a National Cathedral chapel to cinderblock classrooms in the desert southwest, in seminary dining halls and the parlors of women’s restrooms in the Deep South. It is a badge of honor, it seems, to tell war stories that involve the intertwining of children’s bodily functions and committee meetings. It is necessary exegesis to mention how women’s bodies more closely mirror than do men’s the nurturing, originating image of our Creator God. A photo of a smiling toddler in the arms of pastor Mommy is mandatory for the websites and brochures of churches who want to project a progressive, family-centered atmosphere.
And many men of the church stand on the sidelines of all this mother-womb-love and nod sagely, pleased to be so open-minded and willing to allow their female colleagues the chance to participate in the ecclesial version of The Second Shift (as identified by sociologist Arlie Russell Hochschild). It is no big news that women work more hours in the day, when you combine their work both in and out of the home, than do their male colleagues and spouses. But I am sorry to see that the church is so eager to encourage women clergy to embrace this exhausting routine as some sort of positive paradigm for ministry.
Some might ask, why not just stay home with your children? I can see the value in the decision some female friends made to give up their professional ministry (or at least put it on hold during their children’s youth). This is a clearer, more definite answer to the issue of pastor-motherhood. To keep home and family at home, separate from work and public life sets a compelling and straight-forward boundary for the contemporary family. But I don’t want to give up my professional ministry.
A couple of months ago, very early in a new call as associate pastor to a large, midwestern church, we held a traditional Vacation Bible School Sunday service. As I stood with microphone in hand, surrounded by nearly a hundred children, I attempted to deliver a children’s message. In the crowd of kids at my feet, my four-year-old son began to fidget and cry. No one from a sanctuary of over three hundred worshippers stepped forward to assist me. I picked up my child, held him in my arms, and lamely continued my VBS-themed presentation. Later, many people mentioned how they thought it “nice” that I had held my boy during his distress.
But I didn’t find it nice. I felt angry that no one thought to help me. I had prepared my message and wanted two arms to act out the vigorous “splash!” of God’s love that the children had learned all week in Bible School. I also felt embarrassed that the whole congregation watched, possibly to judge what my child and I would do. Would the new associate pastor’s son behave? Can the associate calm down her child in front of a large crowd? If she can’t deal with her own children, how can we expect her to lead Christian Education events with our kids? The old stereotypes about pastors’ kids’ (“PKs”) are alive and well, just repackaged and re-imagined for a new generation of children who call their pastor Mommy instead of Daddy.
I want to do my job. I want to do it well. God called me to the Ministry of Word and Sacrament. I worked hard in seminary, jumped through numerous denominational hoops to secure my ordination, and worked in tandem with congregational search committees to find the right call for my gifts and abilities. I want to do my job as a mother, as well. My husband and I work hard to be loving, nurturing parents. God called me to mother these particular children. I want our family to model the biblical ideal of unconditional, selfless love.
But I cannot simultaneously provide pastoral care to a member of my congregation while trying to care for one of my children. Those pastor-mothers who insist that visiting a homebound Christian while also holding a babe in their arms is the best way to bridge the gap to pastoral care are mistaken. They are selling short their children, their care-receivers and themselves. No one is enjoying the full benefit of their attention and care and they are using their children to do the work of forming relationships.
The genesis of this Second Shift mentality within the church is also reflected in denominational structures. Many governing bodies within mainline denominations still do not have required maternity, paternity, or family-leave policies in place. Most congregations do not provide consistent childcare for evening or weekend church meetings. Church preschools and daycare centers often operate at less-than full time schedules. (My current congregation offers preschool until 2 o’clock in the afternoon; I am expected to remain at church until four or five.) The church makes it hard for women to make the choice to pastor and emotionally rewards women who choose not to erect firm boundaries around their home and family lives.
2006 was the fiftieth anniversary of women’s ordination as pastors in my denomination, the Presbyterian Church (USA). I began joking late in 2005 that the slogan for the anniversary year should be “50 years and nothing’s changed!” I said this cynically, snidely, to my friends and my spouse, knowing full well that things had changed, had improved in the five decades since Margaret Towner pledged her ordination vows. My presbytery planned a special service to honor this event; I arrived early to the meeting in order to settle my kids into the unfamiliar nursery. I waited and waited, but no one arrived to care for the children. Eventually I went home, because the planners of this special anniversary event neglected to arrange a nursery attendant. Fifty years – has there been sufficient change? It is a miserable moment when you realize you haven’t been cynical enough.
So, what should the church do? The church should demand that women clergy truly parent and work as colleagues equal to male clergy. This means direct access to excellent childcare. This means space and time for both male and female clergy to be with their families at home on weekends and in the evening. This means paying appropriate wages to allow for childcare measures. Most of all, it means allowing women to be defined as Pastor in the church. I love my children. I love my family. I love my church. I don’t love feeling as though the church loves me conditionally. I don’t love feeling as though my worth as a pastor is judged and contingent upon my success as a mother.
Do your pastor a favor today. Ask her about her ministry, not about her kids