Single and Attached
When I got anxious writing my ordination paper, it was John who rubbed my shoulders. Outlining your story of call, understanding of polity, history, ordained ministry along with a concise "theology of everything," in 30 pages or so is clearly a daunting task, and those times when the spaces between the words were filled with self-doubt, John rubbed my shoulders. He would stand behind me as I did my work, and loosen those knots in my back with strong hands. I don't even remember asking him, but as I wrote, I could feel his warmth behind me, smoothing out my sentences as I found my call and connecting to my understanding. I felt behind me, with warm hands and smooth strokes, his quiet belief that yes, I was called to this work.
John is not my husband. John is my boyfriend.
Clearly, the territory of "minister's boyfriend" is not well-defined. I cannot say having ever met another minister's boyfriend, perhaps because we keep them under wraps until rings clarify their presence in public. This is a man that I love and who makes me a better minister. And yet, when we began to talk about moving in together, immediately after imagining the fully decorated apartment, came the question "What would the church think?"
I met a friend of mine for lunch one day and threw the idea out there: "What if I moved in with John?" She put down her coffee, her face grew serious, and I cannot blame her that the questions that came out were of secrecy.
"Do you live close to the church?" She asked. "Is it expected that you host events at your house? Are there people who live nearby who might notice?" And underneath it all, was the big question: "What would happen if someone found out?"
We "single" clergy who are dating often do not discuss our romantic lives lightly. I have heard young ministers speak of a need for stronger boundaries, saying that a greater part of a single person's life needs to be kept separate from the church. Part of this is to protect ourselves and find a place where we can step out of the ministerial role and let our hair down. Part of it is to protect the relationship: What would happen if we broke up? How would the church respond? And yet at times, I feel that these boundaries reinforce a culture of shame around sexuality in the church and in ourselves. Those boundaries that are meant to protect our relationships, also hide them under the shroud of illicit behavior. I feel almost that until we are clearly "Mr. and Mrs.", that my relationship is deeply taboo.
For the record, being a heterosexual woman in a committed relationship, in denomination that isn't breaking apart over sexuality, does not make me a martyr in any sense of the word. Yet even as a culturally accepted heterosexual, I feel the contradiction in myself between "Who I am as a young female person" and "Who I am as a minister" come most into play around sexuality. I have found that part of being a young clergy woman is learning to work with and within all the parental transference in the building. And I know many people are profoundly uncomfortable with female sexuality outside of marriage and have vulgar language to express it. And I worry, what if at some point in time, I canceled the Lenten Fish Fry and the head of Women's Fellowship started speaking in low tones and ugly words "You know, she lives with a man."
I love this man. With both our student loans and stage in life, we're not quite ready to be married. Both of us have seen marriages that have been great blessings alongside marriages that have been bitter while they lasted and painful as they ended. We do not wish to be married now, in part because we have a great respect for the institution and do not wish to enter into it lightly or hurriedly. We want to learn how to love each other under the same roof. I would like to come home from council meetings to curl up with him for the late-late shows. I would like to learn what it is to live with someone in a small space, and figure out who will take out the trash and who will wash the dishes. In this debate within me, I hope I am not simply making excuses, but I think I would be happier and a better minister if I lived with this man.
I don't know what I will do, but I wish that I was brave enough to throw a party. The minister and her boyfriend are hosting a housewarming party and the whole church is invited. There is good food and conversation and members of the church bring gifts of baked goods. The guests eat hor d'oeuvres on little toothpicks and compliment the kitchen or mention how the pictures on the walls fit together. And all the people gather to say, "Oh we are so happy for you. We are so happy that you have found a place to call home." I wish I was brave enough to ask for my church's blessing for the gift this man is in my life. Can I dare to hope that I might be surprised by grace?
I just wrote about this same thing earlier today and my friend sent me to this. My boyfriend and I have lived in separate states for a majority of our relationship. When he comes to see me, he stays with me and vice versa. We are planning on getting married but are not yet engaged (kudos to the person who talked about not liking the term “boyfriend” but cant use fiance because there is no ring). i have already said that I wont plan a wedding until I have a job. When I start looking for a call next year there is a possibility that I will again be away from him and he has been incredible to say that he will go with me- but we would need to live together because of finances and such. I totally agree with him but there is the issue of the church. Echoing what so many have already said, why can’t two Christian adults make a decision for themselves? It is not something either of us take lightly as he is a teacher an lives in a fishbowl as well. I just wish that the church would move into the 21st century in terms of their leadership and not jut their membership!
Ugh. My boyfriend and I have been having these conversations lately. It’s turning out that for the next couple of years we’ll need to be long-distance (which sort of solves the cohab problem) but it still irks me. I KNOW that for congregation members it wouldn’t be a big deal at all for folks to live together before marriage, but for clergy it suddenly becomes a very scandalous thing.
Looking to the future, it’s likely that one of us will relocate for the other. As if relocation weren’t hard enough, I’ll probably have to maintain a separate residence, even if we’re always together anyway (parking our cars around the block). Just thinking about that makes me exhausted.
I’ve also noticed that among friends or in an informal setting I always talk about my “boyfriend,” but at church if it comes up I call him my “partner.” Particularly as a young woman, I feel like I have to over compensate a little and act more “grown up” about our relationship. And then when folks find out you’re dating someone they immediately ask, “So, when do you think you’ll be getting married?” Does this happen to anyone else? I always trip over myself trying to give a satisfactory and honest answer while also saying “none of your business!”
I agree with marie about the term boyfriend–and girlfriend, for that matter. They’re great for our youth, but if we want to be treated as women, and not girls, shouldn’t we and our significant others be named something more adult? (eg, would any of our more mature congregants use those terms?)
Along those lines, I’ve noticed a subtle change in reaction when a heterosexual couple uses the word “partner.” Because of its long-time use in the gay community to signify someone with whom there is a committed relationship (but, of course, not marriage), it seems to cross over with the same connotations.
Perhaps part (though certainly not all, other women bring up great points about church policy/treatment of sexuality) of the problem is that the use of the term boyfriend implies something casual, something not befitting a setting so intimate as cohabitation.
Two things: First, we are responsible to ourselves to serve with integrity, but we are also responsible to respecting the traditions and practices of our congregations.
The lectionary these weeks speaks to this pretty well. The 1 Corinthians passage this morning and next week points out how Paul, as a leader in the church, did not want to offend his congregation by what he ate, what he didn’t eat, what laws he followed, or what laws he didn’t follow.
As a leader who chooses public ministry, we are responsible, whether we like it or not or whether it is fair or not, to our congregation’s ethics or morals or values, whether they are political or sexual or environmental. When we interview for calls, part of what we are discerning is whether our values, including our sexual values, allign with the values of our congregation. It can be difficult to not move in with a boyfriend or girlfriend when it makes more sense financially or otherwise, but being dishonest or hiding relationships can poison ministry and all relationships of trust.
Second, it is certainly true too that part of being a pastor is challenging our congregation’s assumptions and prejudice, but at least in my denomination, challenges to traditions, morals, or values need to be based in the Gospel. The Gospel promotes human flourishing, freedom in Christ, forgiveness, etc.
It is certainly a recent development in Christian sexual ethics to have people live together before making life long commitment, and I’m not sure if in 50 or 100 years that we’ll find that living together before making a marital or covenantal commitment (no matter ones sexual orientation) will really contribute to human flourishing or whether it will in any way help people better love and serve God.
I do not doubt the comfort and real love that many people have when and while they move in with each other before making life long commitments. I do question the wisdom of living together, both for my parishioners, and for colleagues.
Thank-you, sisters all, for your thoughtful comments and your honesty. I continue to struggle with these issues, as a single woman who might, still, one day find someone with whom I want to share a life.
I am now married, but my husband and I did live together before we were husband and wife. We were in college, we wanted out of the dorms, and we loved each other, so we decided to share the expenses on an apartment.
I was not a candidate for ordained ministry then, but I have never talked about this experience in my life with shame since I began the ordination process. It is a part of my life that has made me who I am and I am in a wonderful marriage now. I think it is a viable path and I refuse to follow the company line on this one.
I also found a great book in my seminary book store that helped me with this conversation. It is “Just Cohabiting?: The Church, Sex And Getting Married” by Duncan Dormor.
“I have found that part of being a young clergy woman is learning to work with and within all the parental transference in the building.”
rarely have truer words been said sister!
that has been the blessing and curse of each church i’ve served. My husband (also a minister) has never had a problem with those things – just another example of how we are viewed differently, like it or not.
i firmly believe that co-habitation is also a generational thing. But you’ve got to do what is best for you and your man, not what makes everyone else happy.
As hard as that might be. 😉
This was a very interesting article. In the denomination that I belong to this would be completely out. We have rules governing single ministers that include having to have a third party when in a house along. Recently, one of my clergy friends revealed that she had been in a secret relationship for 4 years and they recently broke up and he has since gotten married. This individual have been in ministry for 31 years and she is a reck and her ministry is suffering. I don’t know how this relate but it scared me so bad that I really feel that I am better out of the dating game. I say just be careful and guard your anointing. Secrets keep us sick so don’t keep a secret too long. It was good that you shared your story and please find a close friend besides your boyfriend to talk with regularly.
Oh, how well I remember from my own dating days! Thanks for this post- you nailed a difficult struggle!
When we were engaged, we lived in separate cities. The strain was terrible… we often say we wish we had moved in together earlier. I **hated** Sundays and saying goodbye. The greatest gift I was given was the blind eye of my Bishop when we did finally move in (with his knowledge). It was the grace I needed to see my beloved every day, to combine our finances and save money, to help each other through the tough times and give each other those backrubs.
I knew then I would never judge a couple for living together while they walked the delicate dance that we call human life, and in fact, I’d suggest it for a few engaged couples! Sometimes “fear of commitment” is overcome by living together and discovering that yes, you are already committed. For us, the wedding day was already scheduled, but we felt we really started our marriage on the day that his and hers became ours.
I’m not pursuing ordination so I’ve never approached the topic, but I certainly appreciate the obvious thought gone into the question of marriage. It seems so often that after a certain period of time, marriage is “the next step,” prizing what people have done before compared to what’s right for your relationship. Sometimes people are at different places, emotionally and physically. Perhaps in the future one of you will have to move while the other stays in the same place – equally straining on any relationship but more potentially threatening with a marriage.
I trust you and your boyfriend to make the right decisions for you both… as opposed to a voice suggesting what to do, I’ll bring over cake for your house warming.
when i was dating my current husband, i lived in the parsonage with a parishioner next door. after a comment that she noticed his car was there late, we realized how bad the fishbowl was. i started “kidnapping” him, so his car would be in front of his apt, but he would be able to be with me, or vice versa. and of course keeping all the blinds closed!
when he moved away for a new job, we clearly stayed together when we were able to visit. it was more acceptable when they knew i went to see him, because he was living with his brother’s fam. i tihnk they “assumed” i would have my own room. and i tried to just not mention where he may or may not be staying when he came to visit me. it was all confusing, annoying, and hard.
be true to yourself. but you have to decide what you are willing to “deal” with, as far as other people’s judgments.
I just wanted to thank you for being so honest. I am finishing my final semester in seminary and am working as a youth pastor. I also live with my *gasp* boyfriend. I hate that I feel the need to hide the man who makes me better, comforts me, gives me strength, supports my ministry and enriches my life. We don’t want to rush to get married, either. I am currently living in secrecy, hoping that the church would give me grace if it was found out that I live with my boyfriend. By the way, I hate the term boyfriend. It’s such a silly term. Working with teenagers who have an ever-revolving slew of boyfriends and girlfriends seems to take away the special meaning that the term ‘boyfriend’ has in my life. We are both working to pay off our debt (student loans are AWFUL!) before we even decide to splurge on an engagement ring. We know that we want to get married in the future, when the time is right. But I can’t even call him my ‘fiancee’ without people checking for a ring, asking details of when the date is, etc. I just don’t get what the big deal is for 2 responsible, Christ-loving adults to decide within a committed relationship to live under the same roof. In fact, we are able to actually tithe- living alone on a youth pastor’s salary I could barely afford rent! So, in short, I feel your pain, sister. Best wishes!
I was raised, nurtured, “seminaried”, and ordained in a more conservative denomination than the one in which I now serve. I have to admit that I resonate with much of what Christina says.
I married just before seminary started, so I know full well that I just don’t understand what it would be like to be in this position, and I am sure it very very difficult.
At the same time, I worry that we sometimes buy into some societal ideas about marriage that are just plain wrong. Marriage is really difficult. It does take a lot of working out. My spouse and I have slogged through some pretty tough things together. Maybe it would have been easier not to be married at 21, and at 25, and at 30.
And, I do not thing being “chaste” and not co-habitating before marriage is necessarily the highest ideal of the institution. However, I also cringe a bit at the idea that cohabitation necessarily makes for an easier transition into marriage. WHile I admit that it works differently for different couples, I know that it is our covenant together that kept my husband and I together through the initial years of figuring things out.
But the thing that really bothers me now, as a mainline pastor, is this: the church holds such a double standard. I am told to turn a blind eye, to be grace-filled, to be accepting of the couples who come to me and say that they have been living together for 2, 5, 7 years, and it just was never “time” to get married yet, or they didn’t have all the neccessary societal requirements (a certain level of respectable middle class finances, ownership of a house, accomplishment of career goals, etc.). When someone comes to me to talk about the possibility of moving in with a boyfriend or girlfriend, I cringe a little bit at this. I wish I could be a little more counter-cultural and ask why they assume that this is going to make their commitment to each other stronger.
For most people in our churches, this is an acceptable choice…for themselves, for their own children and grandchildren…or, at least, they are willing to extend them the grace to withhold judgment.
But it’s a problem when clergy do it?
It feels like in every direction, conservative to liberal and everywhere in between, the church is such a mess in how we talk about sex and relationships. We need to learn to extend grace to each other, but also how to evaluate which ideals about relationships come the heart of God and which come from broader society.
Having similar questions from the man’s perspective, I thank you for your thoughts and the many great comments already posted!
Having just become a “declared candidate” for ministry in the UMC, I have to admit I was somewhat taken aback by the terms of the agreement — live either a faithful marriage or as a celibate single.
I can accept that, but my girlfriend is less than enthusiastic. Now the question is do we rush into marriage, stop seeing each other, or rationalize things? I can only imagine how much more pressing the issue becomes once ordained!
As a woman, I feel that I’ve been conditioned not to trust myself and when it comes to big decisions, in fact I ought to doubt my instincts. I am encouraged by the author’s self-understanding of herself, her partner, and their relationship that this is not the time for them to marry. Her decision is neither based in fear nor in apprehension. Rather it is based in love, commitment, and self-awareness.
Would it not be easier to give into societal and ecclesiastical pressures to marry John now or to feign appearances as a merely casual, temporary couple? Either would be more easily accepted by others, but neither would be genuine or true.
As a clergywoman who didn’t accept her call until well after being married, I find it difficult to relate to some of your thoughts. But the longing to celebrate your relationship in an honest and open way with your church family resonates with me.
And I confess that I struggle with whether it would be right to live with a partner to whom you had not made a lifelong commitment. I read your reasons for not wanting to get married and respect them – so why live together?
I want to be clear here, I’m not trying to pick a fight or put you down – I genuinely want to understand.
My husband & I worked on all of those things you mention in the first few years of marriage – not terribly difficult if you & John have open and honest dialogue. That still doesn’t address the fear I read about the institution of marriage itself.
And if the minister of the church is terrified of a lifelong commitment like marriage, what might that communicate to your parishioners?
Correct me if I’m wrong, but I would think young clergy men would face some similar questions/concerns about moving in with a significant other. I wonder if the larger issue is an unwillingness for the church to more publicly talk about a contemporary sexual ethic that isn’t “within the bounds of heterosexual marriage or nothing” driven.
This is a beautiful expression of some of what I experienced as a single-but-not person. I think what I was happiest about when I arrived home as a new bride was that neither one of us had to drive around the block to park one of our cars.
Thank you so much for your words. You’ve said this so well.
You have named a lot of what I wish for, for me and my boyfriend, and a lot of what I fear. Thank you.
If ycws were “normal” people, we’d never have these kinds of internal debates. When I was dating my husband, I often worried about “how late was too late” for his car to be seen outside my house. It’s completely stupid but it remains part of the life of a pastor…people feel the need to be in our business.
I feel I must add that if we are part of the same denomination, “living together” could be considered a chargeable offense. All it takes is one upset parishner and a letter.
I do wish somethings for us could be more “normal”. Blessings to you as you contemplate.