Walking with Grief

Post Author: Rev. Michelle Bodle

In January 2021, I lost one of my champions and people who loved me the most in this world, my Pap, to the COVID-19 pandemic. As a pastor, it was one of the most difficult deaths I have witnessed, not just because it was someone I loved dearly, but because watching someone fighting for breath, their internal systems shutting down, one after another, is heartbreaking. 

But what was even more heartbreaking for me was what came next – the well-meaning people who didn’t know what to say, who said things like, “At least he isn’t in pain anymore” and “It was just his time.” Such platitudes rang false in my ears and heart. Two weeks before his death, my Pap was still working at eighty-five, loving life. 

Even more than folks not knowing what to say, church people and my colleagues turning to platitudes hurt the most. Two years later, when I hear people arguing about the validity of the pandemic, claiming that it was a conspiracy, never happened or did not actually result in any deaths, it makes the grief well up in new ways. Several practices emerged as I tried to make meaning out of this death:

1. I started volunteering with hospice, which has been a richly rewarding part of my ministry, showing up and being with people and their loved ones as a companion in the face of grief.
2. I launched a personal business to create sacred spaces of holy listening, which has become a source of light and joy in my life.
3. I am passionate about talking to churches and clergy about grief and how to intentionally accompany people in grief. 

While there is undoubtedly more to be said about walking with those in grief than what can fit in this brief article, here are some do’s and don’ts. Some may seem basic, but can yet be meaningful. 

Do:

• Show up. Showing up can mean something different to each person. I generally ask a family if they would like me to come right away or if they need some time alone as a family first.
• Mark down the deceased’s birthday, anniversary (if applicable), and the first anniversary of their death on your calendar. Call or send a card to their loved ones on these dates, letting them know you are thinking of them and holding them in prayer.
• Have a way to acknowledge that holidays may be difficult. I send out snowflake ornaments around the winter holidays with a quote from the book Grief is Like a Snowflake, but in your context, it may be appropriate to send something else.
• Keep calling. Even in the church, people often only remember to reach out to those who have lost a loved one for one or two weeks. For the first month, call the person once a week. For months two and three, every other week. And months four through six, at least once a month. This allows you to be present and attentive when their grief comes in waves.
• Know that early grief can last at least two years. Acute grief is often what we focus on right after a death happens, but grief is an ongoing process.
• Preach on grief in a way that does not dismiss people’s lived experiences.

Don’t:

• Assume that people are not grieving if they aren’t mourning. Mourning is what we do on the outside, while grief is the internal, ongoing journey associated with loss.
• Assume that everyone’s grief is the same. There are different types of grief, all of which are unique. Know that there is no right or wrong way to grieve.
• Dismiss people’s feelings or tell them it is time to “get over” their loss.
• Rush people into making meaning out of their grief.

Most of us have had to learn pastoral care through trial and error. Yet, grief is so tender that trial and error can hurt those we care about. May we seek to pastor compassionately,  providing accompaniment on the long journey of grief with our congregants.