Keeping It Real: Friends Who Ask the Right Questions

Post Author: Rev Michelle Bodle

“Would you be asked to do that if you were married?” My friend Catherine always cuts to the heart of the matter, not mincing words. She is the person who calls out the disparity in expectations that congregations hold, either explicitly or implicitly, between single and married clergywomen. She is the voice that calls me back to reality. 

two young girls talking in a cafeteria

I make the best of these situations, even at the expense of minimizing or denying how I am being treated. While I have written about the experience of single clergy before, I also approach it with tenderness – not wanting it to come across as if we do not each have our own unique story and weight of expectations – single, married, divorced, married with children, single-parenting – the list goes on and on. 

The voice keeps asking me not to minimize or dismiss the reality of what I am experiencing. But that is why I need Catherine. She is the fellow clergywoman who is there with this important question when I’m asked if I’m going to take time to plant a flower garden or when I’m going to get around to washing the windows at the parsonage. She is there with that question when I’m asked to work the Monday after Easter due to a scheduling mishap or when there are calls to do more and more with limited time. 

I emphasize that some of these requests may have more to do with being a clergywoman than being single, but Catherine reminds me that different expectations come with being single. People view me as having no life and limitless time, an assumption that is neither fair to me nor to whatever pastor may come to this church next. 

In the last year, I left a two-church parish, where I had the opportunity to launch two ministries near and dear to my heart. The first was called Paint and Pray, a monthly gathering at a local painting studio where we were taught how to create a piece of art, and I shared a devotional around that particular painting or pottery. The second was an opportunity that came out of COVID to form a partnership with an older-adult apartment building to create spaces of worship and community. We had weekly gatherings and tea times and created crafts. We had a blessing of the animals and made sure each resident received small gifts several times a year from the congregation. I loved this ministry.

When I left the area, I knew the Paint and Pray would be no more. It was based on my relationship with the painting studio, but I so desperately wanted the ministry at the apartment building to continue. The residents themselves said, “Michelle, we know that you can only do this for us because you are single.”

Was it true? I didn’t know. So I turned to Catherine to help me distinguish between passion and expectations, between living out my unique calling and people’s demands.

If I am honest, there are times when Catherine asks me if I would be asked to do something if I was married or had children when I’m unsure of the answer. There are other times when it is abundantly clear. But for me, even more important than having a definitive answer is the person holding space for me by asking the question and calling me into an attitude of reflection. Which leads me to wonder – who is your Catherine in your life?