Layers: Responding to Comments Pastorally

Post Author: Michelle Bodle

Susan is a pastor transitioning to a new call. While introducing herself to the congregations, she engaged in conversation that one would expect around ministry, such as balancing time. But when a question came up about whether she was even trying to date or was just a workaholic, it gave her more pause. The process of examining what is said or unsaid can often leave us feeling vulnerable and exposed. It required peeling back the layers. 

All clergy face certain expectations dictated by their social locations; I interviewed fellow single clergywomen about the expectations we face. During that process, I noticed a pattern of these same clergywomen needing to make decisions around how to engage statements or questions that called for deeper exploration, their journeys of helping people work through the layers. 

Kelly stated that there are some questions and comments that she has experienced over her years of ministry that she chalks up to people being people, such as the annoying expectation that she will start the coffee pot on Sunday morning. But when congregation members volunteered her to work at a community partnership event at Christmastime, it gave her pause. It required peeling back the layers. 

The problem with peeling back the layers is that so much is happening under the surface. Someone might think they are just commenting based on an observation or asking a simple question; we rarely have people who gently call us to examine what we are genuinely saying or asking. Kelly stated that it seems as if something vaguely registers in people’s minds, but in reality, they are mostly unaware. Susan called this same phenomenon, “the questions behind the question behind the question,” all of which people need to explore. 

For Susan, there were layers of other questions beneath the question about whether she was trying to date or was just a workaholic. A big one was if people can indeed be content being single, to which Susan states: yes! She has a fulfilling life where she feels like a whole person. But another layer was around friendships. How do you make friends? Can men and women be friends? How can we make sure, as a congregation, that you are having your needs for friendship fulfilled outside of us?

For Kelly, gently unearthing the layers underneath being volunteered for the Christmas event revealed that her congregation cares about her. They were worried that she would be lonely at Christmas without family nearby, and they thought that this would be a clear solution. 

Sometimes such actions and questions aren’t rooted in concern, however. While peeling back the layers and finding deep care, even if misplaced, can leave a more compassionate feeling than finding the roots of stigma or biases, Susan found in the workaholic question an uncomfortable assumption about sexuality. Her congregation was also asking if she identified as heterosexual if she wasn’t working towards marriage.

Rachel, another young clergywoman, experienced a similar discomfort when she was told she would be a great mother someday, something that was not her desire. Her congregation, primarily composed of retirees, had difficulty imagining she might not want to be a mother.

So what do you do when the “unlayering” reveals something uncomfortable? Kelly said that she leans into direct, straightforward answers. But she also understands that the biases in these layers often come from worldviews colliding. Therefore, she is pastoral in her responses, calling people to consider new points of view.

Rachel is also clear in her answer, but sometimes that means saying, “No, I don’t have to answer that.” Not everything revealed in the layers underneath people’s comments and questions warrants an engaging response, which may be seen as permission to continue with unexamined statements.

Sorting through the layers seems to fall upon clergywomen when congregation members think they can say anything to us, even about our own lives. Yet it also becomes part of our pastoral task to respond. Sometimes there is something that is just waiting to be discovered that can change someone’s heart and life.