Ask a Young Clergy Woman: Respect My Authority Edition

Post Author: Askie

Dear Askie,

When I was ordained and installed as Associate Pastor of a wonderful UCC congregation, I thought I had arrived – that I had finally become a “real” pastor. But months later, I still find myself trying to get people to accept my role. I had expected that this would be a challenge with cold callers, visitors, vendors, community contacts, and so on… but I hadn’t expected it from my own congregants! I think part of the problem is that I did an internship here when I was in seminary, so they first knew me as a student. But I’ve been here for a year now, and I still get all kinds of comments like “So, do you want to be a pastor someday?” or “This is so-and-so, she’s kind of like a pastor here.” Apparently even the other staff members don’t get it. One staff member actually corrected someone who referred to me as a pastor, saying “Oh, she’s working on it, but she’s definitely not a pastor. Maybe someday, though!” This is extra-frustrating, since he was at my ordination ceremony, so he really ought to realize I’m a pastor now! Askie, I don’t want to be full of myself, but I worked hard for this title and I’m tired of people thinking I’m still a student or intern. How can I get them to understand that I’m an ordained minister now? Or should I just stop worrying about it?

Frustratedly yours,
Rev. Already

Dear Rev. Already,

That is truly frustrating! You’re not alone, though – the problem of pastoral authority goes all the way back to Jesus. Remember the story of Jesus returning to his home town of Nazareth, teaching in the synagogue, and having people dismiss his teaching with the words, “Isn’t that Joseph’s son?” It is hard for people to make the jump from knowing someone as a child, or a student, or an intern, to seeing that person as a pastor, teacher, and leader. It might be especially hard for us young clergy women, who don’t look like stereotypical clergy. And it’s also especially hard for Associate Pastors, Pastoral Associates, and the like, who are fully ordained but filling specialized or supporting roles in our congregations that may lead congregants to think of us as “assistants” rather than “pastors.”

You raise the question of whether your concern is legitimate or prideful (“I don’t want to be full of myself”). The fact is that your role may lead you to be present at congregants’ deathbeds, or preside over loved ones’ funerals. You may baptize their children. When they call for a pastor in the middle of the night because of a crisis, you might be the person who shows up. You will certainly preach to them, teach them, preside at the communion table, and so on. It is to everyone’s benefit for them to understand that you are fully prepared and authorized to do those things. It could do some real harm if, in their hour of need, you arrive and they still don’t think you’re the “real” pastor. You cannot change the way they perceive you, but it is good, important, and not at all “full of yourself” for you to do everything you can to help them to embrace your new role. As the months and years go on, their perception may continue to shift organically, but here are some things you can do in the meantime to give them a push in the right direction:

• Friends in high places: Your senior pastor is your most powerful ally in helping the congregation to see you as a full pastor. Talk to her or him about how you’re perceived, and ask for help in making the change. Your senior pastor can talk explicitly about your role, correct people who mistakenly refer to you as “not a pastor yet,” and most importantly, give you opportunities to be seen as a pastor. For instance, many Senior Pastors make a point of having Associates preside at the communion table, baptize babies, and so forth, in order to make sure the Associate is seen as a “real” pastor. And cold as it might feel, fully covering for one another during each other’s vacations also helps the perception issue. When a Senior Pastor interrupts their vacation to attend to pastoral emergencies, it communicates that the Associate is “less than.” When they hold that boundary firmly and express trust in your abilities, it shows that they see you as a pastor, and gives others an opportunity to see you that way as well.
• Stop the sabotage: A staff member telling congregants that you are not a pastor is absolutely unacceptable. Clarify your role with them, and if it comes up again, talk to their supervisor (presumably the Senior Pastor) to get support.
• Words matter: Associate pastors, especially those who have transitioned from intern/student capacities, especially young female associates working with older male senior pastors, often are referred to by their first names, while their senior colleagues are referred to as “Reverend” or “Pastor.” It speaks volumes when pastoral colleagues are referred to as “Rev. Smith and Katie.” Use your title, and ask others to use it as well. Make sure that your title is used in bulletins, newsletters, minutes, and all other official church communications. Wherever you can tactfully do so, correct people who don’t use it. Introduce yourself using your title, even if it feels overly formal – you can always switch to something less formal once a pastoral relationship is established. Or you may find that you prefer the formality!
• Overcommunicate: Not everyone attended your ordination. Not everyone reads the church newsletter. Not everyone attends every meeting. There are probably people in your congregation who truly do not know that you are an ordained minister, because the last time they were paying attention, you were a seminary intern. Even though you might feel like a broken record, just keep telling them. Take every teaching moment you can find to talk about what it means to be ordained, what your role is in the congregation, what you’d like to be called, and so on. Mention it in sermons, newsletter articles, bible studies, coffee hour conversations, and committee meetings. You don’t have to be heavy-handed, but just keep gently bringing it up, in a variety of ways and settings, so that everyone has a chance to get the message.
• Develop advocates: Make sure to mention this issue to key lay leaders, and get help from them. Some especially powerful advocates are members of the search committee (or whatever group extended you the call) – they chose you as their associate pastor, and are especially invested in making sure you’re not seen as a lingering intern. They can speak up on your behalf, and they can correct others in situations where if you did the correcting, you would sound whiny or strident. Tell them about the difficulties you’re facing, and invite them to help the congregation make the shift.
• Show, don’t tell: More than anything else you can do, acting like a pastor will help your congregation to see you as a pastor. So embrace your authority unapologetically, and do what you were gifted and called to do. Be bold, be faithful, and be yourself. They’ll get it.

Prayers for you and your congregation, Rev. Already. May God richly bless the ministry you do together, no matter what they call you.

Blessings,
Askie