Talking About Gun Violence With Our Kids

Post Author: Rev. Jamie Michaels

Kids are smart. They’re like teeny little philosophers, seeking to make sense of the world and always asking the pointed question I never seem to have the answer to on hand! That can make us want to avoid tough conversations. But if we don’t have these conversations, our kids are going to pick up information elsewhere. Choosing to have the conversation lets us make sure it happens in ways that help our kids to feel safe, and lets them know we’re on their team for the hard things. 

It can also be helpful – when possible – to limit what kids see and hear regarding school shootings. An image will stick with your kiddo for a long time, and can produce heightened emotional responses. You don’t have to hide everything from them; you also don’t have to expose them to everything.

You can use the tips below with kids of any age. Adapt the language to use the kinds of words your child is using. Keep in mind that the younger the child, the less time you may be able to hold their attention. Think about it ahead of time, and be ready with a 1-2 sentence answer that you can expand on if your child is ready to talk more. “It’s ok that you’re feeling (sad/angry/scared/confused), this is (wrong/unfair/scary/confusing). When bad things happen, God is with us. God loves you and so do I.” Then, when the conversation is over, let it be over and return to routines as normally as possible. Respond to further questions your child may have as they arise. You can do this!

1. Feel your own feelings first. If at all possible, try to identify what you are feeling before you talk with your child. It is good for your children to know that you feel a full spectrum of emotions, but they should also feel you are in control and they do not have to take care of you. Take care of yourself, and make sure that when you talk to your child, you have enough emotional space to focus on them.
2. Listen. Start with a curious question, like “I heard that happened. How are you feeling about it?” This will let your child know you’re taking them seriously, and it’s ok that they are working it out. It will also help you know how to focus your response. Validate their feelings, whatever they are, before moving on. “I understand that you’re feeling sad/angry/confused. I’m feeling that way too. Let’s talk about it together.”
3. It’s ok not to know why. One word often used to describe mass shootings is “incomprehensible.” And it is! So it’s ok to tell your children, “I don’t know why this happened, or what this person was thinking. It’s wrong that they hurt people, and that they made other people so scared.”
4. Point out the helpers. “I don’t know why” might feel unsettling, but we do know what to do when bad things happen. Point out for your child how many people came to help people who were hurt or grieving. Help them brainstorm a list of people in their life who keep them safe (parents, teachers, grandparents, neighbors, pastors, etc). “God tells us in the Bible that people who are hurt or sad need an extra dose of our love, and we are supposed to take care of them. Look at how many friends, family, and neighbors came out to help.” You can even help them brainstorm ways to help, like collecting donations or writing advocacy letters.
5. Don’t blame mental illness. While it can be tempting to have a reason why this happened, connecting mental illness to violence sends the message that anyone with any kind of mental, emotional, or cognitive difference could be dangerous. That creates stigma, and isn’t consistent with our belief that everyone is made in the image of God.
6. Don’t say “it will never happen here.” Not only do we not know that, but a flat denial sends the message that we adults are uncomfortable with the conversation, and that kids shouldn’t ask questions. If you sense your kiddo is afraid, instead of denying the source of their fear say something like, “I doubt it will ever happen here, but it sounds like you’re worried about it. What do you think?” If the question is about safety, go back to #4 and talk about people in your child’s life who help to keep us safe. “If you are ever afraid, you can go to one of those people. They will help to keep you safe.”
7. Live in love, not in fear. “I am afraid sometimes too. What makes you feel better when you are afraid? The Bible tells us that love is bigger than fear. That doesn’t mean we’re never afraid. It means that when we are afraid, we have a buddy – God! – who is with us in our hearts when we’re scared. And guess what? The more we go to school, and birthday parties, and church, and the grocery store, and the more we practice loving each other, the less afraid we will feel. It’s ok to feel angry and scared. We can feel those things and still love each other and have fun every day. Two things can be true.”
8. Pray about it. “When things are too big for me, I like to ask for God’s help. What would you like to say to God or ask God? Let’s pray: Dear God, we are (sad/angry/scared) about what happened. Please help us to feel (safe, loved). Help those who are hurt feel that you are with them and you love them. Help us to think of ways we can be especially kind to people who are hurting. Amen.”