You Got a Hot Date?

Post Author: Name Withheld

A few weeks into my first full-time pastorate, I called one of the previous pastors of the congregation, hoping he could provide answers to some weird church happenings. After the purely professional chat ended came the question.

He tried to be subtle, smooth even, when he asked. Most men, though, are not known for their ability to be coy, especially when asking a woman something as sensitive as her marital status. I knew the man, married with a teenage daughter, was trying to be nice, so I helped him out, “Yes, I’m single.” He guiltily admitted, “I couldn’t find a nice way to ask that.”

The next words out of his mouth were spoken teasingly, “They’re gonna be settin’ you up!” I expected it before he even said it. Now, though, I had reason to brace for the coming onslaught of fix-ups.

I dodged the not-so-docile group of old ladies who quilt downstairs every Tuesday. I never made a reference to any dates when talking with anyone from church. I was always ready for the Sunday morning, “Meet my grandson.” It never came.  The white haired old ladies were shockingly, surprisingly silent. I chalked it up to the Midwest, where it seems everyone gets married at 19, leaving a dearth of eligible bachelors to present.

I was wrong. The white-haired ladies were content to stay out of my love life. Their husbands, and the baby boomer men of the congregation, however, were not. They were just less direct than I imagine the women would have been.

The first set-up was the one that caught me off guard. I never would have suspected Bill as the set-up type. He’s an older baby boomer. He’s on the opposite end of the political spectrum from me. He can talk to anyone, but keeps to polite chit-chat for the most part. He’s kind of gruff. Actually, he’s one of the older men who, when I consider his wife and the fact they’ve been married for somewhere in the neighborhood of forty years, I wonder how on earth they ever got together. There are a few folks in the church who say her mission from God is being married to him.

So when I agreed to attend a fundraiser with him—a horrific ordeal for other reasons and another story altogether—I didn’t think twice when he started telling me about the other people who were attending, including a co-worker of his. I wasn’t concerned when the co-worker bailed from the fundraiser, even though Bill was evidently upset. I just thought the fundraiser was important to him and he wanted to fill the table he was sponsoring.

It wasn’t until a Wednesday evening Lenten services a few weeks later that I realized Bill was on a mission to set me up. He showed up for the dinner before the service, but didn’t head downstairs. Instead, he lingered in the sanctuary, looking out the door. Finally, I saw a man about my age walk through the door. Bill was ecstatic, at least by Bill standards. He brought the guy over to me and introduced him. In the two or three minute conversation, Bill noted several times, “He couldn’t make it to the fundraiser, but I still wanted you to meet him.”

At dinner, Bill saved me a spot at his table. I watched from across the room as he directed his co-worker in his every move. I don’t remember the guy’s name, but he was clearly uncomfortable during the entire evening. Somewhere between the introduction and dinner, I realized, to my horror, “Bill’s setting me up. Right here. At church!”

I walked over to a couple trusted women, both in their forties and said, “Bill’s trying to set me up with that guy over there.” It was all I could think to do. I hoped they would save me. Instead, they had a good laugh.

My suitor bolted for the door as soon as the service was over. The set-up had clearly failed.

Since then, I have learned that the men Bill’s age and older are quite concerned about my dating life. Their wives just manage to keep them quiet—for the most part.

Of course, there was Jack, well into his eighties, who called his daughter one night when I was at her home, after we had shared dinner. His lack of hearing means he yells over the phone so I heard every word. He was happy I was there, but asked who else she had invited. He was disappointed it was only the two of us, especially since “it doesn’t seem there’s any eligible suitors in our congregation.” She assured me his concern means he likes me. She also graciously rolled her eyes through the entire conversation.

Jack gets along well with Lee who, when he witnessed me bundling up a little boy before sending him outside in the cold January wind, asked if I had anyone to help me get one of those for myself.

I’ve now learned to dodge the men’s group and happily go chat with the quilters.

I admit, there’s a part of me that wishes a member of my congregation did know someone I might actually like. A church set-up would also be a great way to avoid the awkward moment of telling someone I’m a pastor. To be perfectly honest, anyone they found couldn’t be worse than those generated by dating websites. There, I’ve met: the guy who wore his sidearm to our date, the guy who texted me more than a hundred times a day after one date, the guy who thought we had to have a major break-up after three dates, and the guy who really wanted me to come to his house for our first date.

Over time, my congregation has become more comfortable with me and I with them. So now, when they’re not plotting a set-up, young and old, male and female, newcomer and old-timer alike often bid me farewell with the same question: you got a hot date?

All are still waiting for an answer.

Name Withheld

Photo by KayVee.INC, https://www.flickr.com/photos/kayveeinc/4056889304/sizes/o/in/photostream/, September 9, 2012. Used by Creative Common License.