How to Boss Up

Post Author: YCWI Facebook Group

Daughter of the original post’s author, Joanna D’Agostino

One of the reasons Young Clergy Women International exists is to offer a space for young clergy women to seek support, share ideas, and build community. Last week one of us posed this question in our Facebook group:

I need some help preparing for confrontational conversations.

AKA: Help me Boss Up.

She went on to describe the challenge of approaching and responding to people in our congregations who offer criticisms without solutions or any expressions of gratitude woven in. Like many of us, she often folds under pressure, apologizes for things that aren’t her fault, or offers compromises that complicate the church’s work. Like many of us, she is doing intentional work to stop apologizing for things that she’s not sorry for and to stop giving away power to people whose behavior is inappropriate.

To help her with that, she started a list of phrases to keep with her as reminders of ways she can respond in difficult conversations. She asked the group to provide additional ideas.

It struck a chord. Along with adding wisdom and suggestions, many people commented that they were saving the list of phrases to come back to. The editors of Fidelia would like to share this list of collective wisdom.

How to Boss Up: Wisdom from Young Clergy Women

Set a boundary.

• “Hi, I wanted to talk with you about ___. I have another meeting in 30 minutes so you’ll hear an alarm go off for a 5 minute warning for me.” It they start wandering in the garden of Everything is Awful, let them know how much time is left and ask what they want to focus on. (It is 100% acceptable for your meeting to be with the bathroom, or lunch, or 15 minutes of yoga, or watching videos. But write it down for yourself, set that timer, and don’t get sucked into the bog of eternal nonsense.)
• “I want to make sure we get to all your concerns, so can you tell me which topics you’d like to make sure we get to, today?” If they wander, you can direct back with, “Ok, we have 20 minutes left and 2 topics to go.”

Clarify needs/expectations.

• “I want to make sure I understand what you’re saying. Can you tell me more about x?”
• “Do you want help solving this problem or do you just want me to listen?”
• “I’m glad we both have some time to check in now. What would you like to talk about during the time we have today?”
• “What are your goals for this conversation? What are you hoping will come out of it?”
• “How can I best be your pastor right now?”

Get to the root.

• “I can tell you feel strongly about this. Tell me why this is so important to you.”
• “Before we can discuss this further, it would help me to understand why this particular issue is important to you, and especially how it connects to your faith right now.”
• “When did you start feeling <feeling>?” This has potential to help someone look back, beyond current circumstances and bring up a life event or an earlier time in experience of church that could be complicating present things. This could allow for an opportunity for pastoral care in the midst of the conversation
• “I hear a lot of frustration/criticism/pain/whatever in your voice, why don’t you tell me more about how it is affecting your faith and relationship with this community?” (I try to go into ultra-pastoral mode in these situations and get to the root of their issues/distress. That helps me remember it’s not about me and gives me a healthy way to focus my energy.)
• “It sounds like you’re really hurt by this. Can you help me understand why… (it’s only coming up now/you didn’t reach out to me/it has to be the pastor handling this issue)?”

Guide toward appropriate action and direct communication.

• “What I’m hearing is that you care a lot about [thing framed in a positive manner.] I encourage folks who are really interested in that to reach out to [name of person in charge of that.] Would you like their contact information?”
• “These are decisions made by consensus by the Executive Team. If you would like to challenge the decisions, the appropriate process is… “
• “It sounds like it would be helpful for you to have a conversation directly with x. How can I support you in making that happen?” This is helpful when someone is triangulating you, wanting you to take a side, or wanting you to be a go-between.
• “We like to think that the congregational grapevine is 100% accurate and effective, but that’s not the case. If you want or need to talk to me, the best way to make sure that happens is to reach out to me directly through (phone/text/email/etc.).”
• “I wasn’t aware you needed pastoral care. I’m glad we both have some time to check in now. What would you like to talk about during the time we have today?”

Take the time to you need to think and respond.

• “Let me think about that more and get back to you.”
• “I hear your perspective, and I would like to take some time to read, pray, and reflect before… (deciding what to do next / offering my opinion or advice / etc.).”

Respond to their pain and your own.

• Much of what people throw at us is about them much more than it is about us. Remember that an accusation isn’t necessarily truth. We are not responsible for fixing people’s pain or problems, making them happy, or servicing their complaints. We are responsible for ourselves, our responses, and our personal and spiritual well-being.
• “I hear that you’re hurt AND I am doing the best I can to attending to your spiritual needs and the needs of this community as God has called me to do.” Using “and” rather than “but” can be a helpful tool.
• “It is hard to build relationships from negativity. How can you and I work on building relationships where there is both positive and thoughtful critique?”
• “You might be right.” This can be very effective and avoid pointless arguing and awfulizing. It also moves toward solving mode from complaining mode.
• One young clergy woman added: Just because you made a commitment to God to serve in ministry doesn’t mean you have to put up with verbal abuse and other people generally being horrible to you. That isn’t what our Loving Creator wants for you. I know it is extremely challenging in the moment, but I have called people back into appropriate behavior by cutting them off and saying, “Our Quaker tradition calls us to be peacemakers and to honor the That of God within all people. The way that you are speaking to me right now is hurting me and I don’t think this is productive. I think you need to continue this conversation with our leadership committee.”

Our prayer is that these words of wisdom give you confidence and inspiration as you navigate the difficult conversations that are part of leadership. May we be the bosses God has made us to be, and may it be for God’s glory!