Diary of an Online Dater
Post Author: Name Withheld
Day 1
11:42PM Having procrastinated until the eleventh hour on this week’s sermon, the only thing that makes sense at this point, less than nine hours before said sermon will be preached, is to join an online dating site. Dating site X is selected, and I begin to fill out the form that will, with the help of a few algorithms, a little luck, and the movement of the Holy Spirit, find my true love for me.
Username. My lifelong happiness could depend on this. Do I use something plain like initials and birth year? Something clever, maybe LookingForLove? Too sappy. Something winking at my vocation? So many things ride on this decision. Darn, koinonia is taken. Koinonia23? No. Koivwvia it is. Now for the rest of the questions.
Occupation? Hmmm. I’ll come back to that one.
What qualities am I looking for in an ideal mate? Kindness, graciousness, sense of humor, some sort of faith life, love of learning, appreciation for simple pleasure in life, curiosity, adventurous spirit, meaningful career, social, from a close knit family, likes to travel, enjoys cooking new recipes and having dinner parties, wine snob, around my age so 30-40 years old similar educational background, hobbies, interests, animals and babies flock to him, nonsmoker.
And taller than 5’ 9”.
Now for a picture. Briefly consider leaving photo out entirely, as four different couples in the congregation are currently divorcing and I don’t want to be propositioned by a newly single parishioner, but ultimately take the advice of the dating site that profiles with photos get more messages. Look through photos on laptop- ordination photos are out, as are photos from other friends’ ordinations, church services, anything with me wearing clerical garb. Five photos left are from summer camp and a fancy party I attended six years ago. Decide the old photos are false advertising, as I haven’t fit into that cocktail dress since about a week after ordination. Summer camp it is. It is easy to cut the kids out, and the one with the water gun will show that I am comfortable roughing it, and am a fun sort of person.
The only question left is occupation….non-profit director it is. Having chosen which three adjectives perfectly sum up my personality, and which six items I could not live without, all chosen for their ability to convey my fun loving nature, devilish wit, serious intellectual side, and lovability, and posted two photographs, I save my new profile and begin to write the sermon.
Day 2
12:30AM Check to see if anyone has messaged me yet.
12:32AM Check to see if anyone has messaged me yet.
12:33AM Check to see if anyone has messaged me yet. Oh, there is an app for the site! Download app and then finally give in to exhaustion. Sermon is five bullet points.
9:01AM Check app on phone as soon as first service is over. A message! From a 21 year old high school drop out who is 5’6” and lists casual drug use as a hobby. Send kind message in response thanking him for his message, and declining to meet. Bank positive online dating karma.
11:15AM check app on phone as soon as second service ends. A message! From a 58 year old man who lists Jimmy Buffet as his favorite band. Photo looks about ten years old. Grandpa? Kind response in the negative.
11:17AM A message! 23 year old smoker who self identifies as “atheist, and very serious about it”. Kind response in the negative.
11:18AM A message! 28 year old, Christian, only uses lowercase “i” as first person singular personal pronoun, “u” for second person singular and plural. Message contents: “u wanna hook up? i don’t like drama or fat girls.” Delete.
11:30AM Post church nap.
7PM Pour glass of wine, log on to dating site. Search for local possibilities, spend hour lurking through profiles and not messaging a single person. Select three good candidates, and wait for them to message me.
7:31PM A message! 35 years old, attractive, tall, master’s degree…”spiritual but not religious” and lists The Fountainhead as his favorite book. Delete.
8:32PM Search again, removing height, education, and faith from the metric.
9PM Pour second glass of wine, decide to edit my profile. Perhaps my list of qualities is too aspirational, remove “meaningful career, social, from a close knit family, likes to travel, enjoys cooking new recipes and having dinner parties”.
9:28PM Send message to 35 year old medical doctor living over an hour away, with washboard abs and multiple pictures running marathons, competing in triathlons, and scuba diving. Sure I don’t do any of those things and am not a particularly active person, but I would like to do those things. If it isn’t too hot out. And I didn’t have to break a sweat.
10:01PM Finish bottle of wine, edit profile again. Maybe I’m too judgmental. Who Would Jesus Date?!?! Take out every quality I’m looking for in a mate except nonsmoker, consider listing “pulse and job”. Cyber stalk the three guys I’m interested in, but don’t send any a message. They should know that I am the one for them! Wonder why doctor hasn’t responded yet.
11PM Wake up on sofa, laptop open. A message! Not from the doctor. 19 year old. Is that even legal? Delete. Go to bed without brushing teeth.
Day 3
10:14AM Search profiles and suddenly feel like I am shoe shopping online. Shiver briefly as existential wasteland of dis-incarnation made possible by the internet is laid out before me in all its bleakness and brutality. A message! 38 years old, Christian, enjoys cooking, independent films, and has a dog. Attractive. Photo of him volunteering with orphans in rural African village. Clever! Message only says “hi”, but this could be the one! Send witty reply, end with a question, wait for him to message me back.
10:18AM A message! From my future husband! Saying that he’s not sure what happened but he is in fact gay and seeking a long term relationship with a man, and thought he messaged koinonia17. Congratulates me on my well-written profile and wishes me luck in my search.
9:56PM A message! From 21 year old smoker and drug user in reply to my reply to his message on Day 2. “Ur loss, fatty!”
9:57PM Dying old and alone suddenly looks like quite an attractive option. Delete profile, pour a glass of wine, and watch three episodes of The Golden Girls. Dance around living room to “All By Myself”, a la Bridget Jones. Enjoy independence.
Day 8
11:01PM Sermon time. Cycle begins again.
Image by: Alan Levine
Used with permission
I’m new to this site and been perusing older entries. This is brilliant. Good to know that I’m not alone. Thank you!!
this could be me. well, except that it seems to be taking a couple of years instead of a week to smarten up, and i get to find guys who are holding up carcasses of the bobcats they just killed. awesome.
go team.
I just came across the profile of a former neighbor who was extremely abusive to his then-wife. His profile is all about how sweet and sensitive he is. Aside from giving me the heebie jeebies on behalf of any woman who believes him, it reminded me that people really can say ANYTHING on those things.
Oh, ladies! I am new to the online dating world, and have only had a brief foray. I found the whole thing both overwhelming and kind of disgusting (thanks to married guys who kept messaging me, as well as the aforementioned 19 year olds). I’m backing off of it for now, both because I have some internal work to do on myself, and because I’m still hoping that the man of my dreams will just walk into my church and make it easy on me!
Brilliant! I’ve done the sign-up, week or two goes by, delete thing a couple of times, myself and very much related (never found out my future husband was gay, though :P).
As the post on FB asked for dating stories, well, I shall include in this comment my “favorite” online dating story. This occurred during my third and final dabbling in the online dating world (I had gone out with my now-husband for the first time the day before this date; met him the old fashioned way: picked him up at a bar!) For the record, this fellow knew what I do – I actually had put it out there on my profile.
“Rafe” is a 36 year old medical doctor (with a PhD to boot). He was handsome and via the online communication he seemed to have wit, consideration, and even, dare I say it, class.
We met at a posh wine bar in the local university town’s historic district. He had arrived earlier than me – I did have to drive 40 minutes plus find parking while he had a 5 minute drive – and had gotten us seats on one of the couches. He was perfectly attired – button down, jacket, khakis… and that was about the only perfect thing in the evening.
I was shivering when I came into the wine bar – the cold winter will do that to you – and as I took of my glove, he took my hand in his to warm it up Now, one might think “oh, how considerate,” but I have a rule about the touch boundary. We women get to break it first. If I want you to touch me, I’ll let you know by touching your shoulder, your leg, your arm, your hand… this did not bode well.
He had already ordered a glass of wine while waiting for me (again, not a good sign in my book – I was only 5 minutes late!) and so I ordered a drink. And then we got to talking.
Now, I wish I could put this in narrative form but it’ll just be simpler to list what came to pass. There were a couple of things that would have just made this a bad date: he talked over me and whenever he decided he was done talking he said something like “now you ask me a question” or “where do you think my family is from? Guess, go ahead guess.” (I really didn’t want to guess). But the following makes it already the stuff of legend among my friends:
1) He mentioned he didn’t know many jokes, just European ones (he’s from Poland, apparently – I didn’t guess that) and slightly off-colored jokes. I replied “oh” – brilliant communication skills on my part – and he said “want to hear one?” and before I could answer – so I suppose that wasn’t actually a question but a command – he told me a few. A few very graphic W. Virginia incest jokes. And looked at me to laugh.
2) We were talking about pets and I mentioned I had two cats. He then asked me how many p**sys were in my house. I said, “um, I have two cats.” And he replied “No, how many p**sys are in your house?” Really.
3) As he was showing me many (many) pictures of his 5 year old daughter – he’s divorced – as well as a video he made, he commented “she’s just like a woman: saying no when she means yes.”
4) We were trying to have a conversation about being friends with folks at work (‘trying’ being the operative word) and he relates a story about a time his then-future wife came to work to pick him up for lunch. When he got back, his buddies asked him if he had gotten rid of his “S.R.Ache.” I looked at him curiously and he filled in “Semen Retention Ache.” Yup. And he continued, “I told them no, because I jerk off twice a day.” Oh dear heavens. And then he asked me, “how about you?” As in how many times do I… Umm, I don’t think there’s enough wine in the whole world to make me talk about that.
5) And the piece de resistance: As our evening was coming to a close (which would have happened sooner had I remembered to pick up some cash earlier so I could lay it down and scram) he asked me: “How do you feel about child porn?”
I just have no words. Needless to say, I did not see that fellow again even though he did try to arrange a second date.
That’s awful! I thought I had the record for the worst dating stories, but you just stole my crown! How did you keep a straight face?
Oh. My. Word! What a horrible human being!!!!!
So, admittedly, what I love most of this article is that you drank a whole bottle of wine while reading profiles. Oh boy, can I relate! Thanks for writing this with such honesty. It’s a pleasure to read.
I loved this! It was like reading “Bridge Jones’ Diary” for ministers!
I’ve done basically all the same things, and same results, sadly. I wish you good luck on your continued search!