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Why Can’t We Be Friends?


I’m about to lose about 60 friends on Facebook.

Or am I?

After six years as an associate pastor, I recently took a call at a new church. The last few weeks have been filled with all that betwixt-and-between stuff. I slowly began telling people who needed to know, swearing them to secrecy. The resignation letter to the congregation, written before everything became official, sat safely in a drawer until the new congregation voted, then we kicked the photocopier and postage meter into high gear. I have a list of items on a special “transition” to-do list, even as I’m writing a pastoral note here, making a home visit there, to members of the new congregation.

However, Facebook has added a whole new layer to this process.

For one thing, it has provided a more permeable space between the present and the future than I’ve had in “real life.” During the interview process, I found myself posting status updates that would be clear enough to family and friends who knew what was going on, but probably seemed cryptic to members of the current congregation. (“MaryAnn had an important phone conversation today.”) A few members of the church figured out what was up, though. This was not exactly a bad thing…when it came time to break the news to them, their ability to read between the lines made for an easier conversation. Two days before I was to tell our church elders, I wrote that I was “writing a letter.” Several people applauded me for reclaiming a lost art, but a particularly wise elder began our conversation by saying, “I knew exactly what that was about. I’m ready…lay it on me.”

I’ve done some soul searching about this. Was this wrong of me, to hide in plain sight? Should I have avoided any hint of what was going on? Would that have even been possible? Though I fully understand why a pastor should not make it known that he or she is looking, the secrecy is awkward. I could not tell some of the most important people in my life what was going on. Facebook became a way to tell them without telling them, to loosen the pressure valve on the secret a little. For better or for worse, I still cannot say.

When it came time to make the announcement to the whole congregation, I knew I needed to get out in front of the news… “control the message,” so to speak. A friend of mine who’s also moving into a new pastoral position had her news break on Facebook. Friends and well-wishers started congratulating her on her wall, while her letters to the congregation sat at the post office, waiting to be delivered. So I decided to post my letter as a note on Facebook the day things became official. This meant that a whole swath of people in the church found out a day or two before the non-Facebookers, but this seemed better than risking the news coming out in dribs and drabs on my wall. As my friend said, “This is a whole new world, with a whole new set of issues!”

Facebook

But what to do with all these Facebook friends who are part of the current congregation? The question has come up recently in other places, including on the blog of our denomination’s current moderator. The consensus, such as it is, is to be as transparent and open-hearted as possible. Fair enough. But the problem for me is one of metaphors: is being someone’s Facebook friend like running into them on the street, or is it like all being together at a party? If it’s the former, then of course we can still be friends. I’m not going to ignore former parishioners at the grocery store. If it’s the latter, then things get trickier. I even had one person say when I gave her the news, “I guess I’d better get on Facebook now,” just so she could continue to be connected to me.

A pastor I respect, who’s done the leave-taking thing countless times by virtue of being an interim pastor, said, “Of course you can still be their Facebook friends… and yeah, it will be hard when they mention a death in their family or other crisis. You can respond to those things, just don’t respond to them as a pastor.” I know what she means—and since I am not The Pastoral Care Person at the current congregation, I will probably feel less of a reflex to pick up the phone. But on another level I have no idea what she means. What does it mean to respond as a pastor? If I don’t mention God, am I OK? And does the suggestion that there is a non-pastor part of myself from which I might respond just perpetuate the fragmentation that I believe our generation of ministers is wanting to do away with? I’m all for boundaries, but I want to be a whole person too.

For now, I am keeping things as they are. Once a new pastor comes, I might have a conversation with him or her about what would be most helpful and appropriate. I do wonder whether I will feel awkward posting “OMG I LOVE MY NEW JOB!” messages…will that be seen as rubbing salt in the wound? Or will I avoid venting about church annoyances in some neurotic desire to prove to everyone that I made the right decision? Time will tell.

I recently heard a story on the NPR program Radiolab about a young man who died while serving in the Peace Corps. He’d been a blogger, and rather than take the site down, his mother started posting to it, writing notes to her son in the comments, as if he were still alive. It was clear that posting to the deceased’s blog helped his mother remain close to him. The relationship lived on in this peculiarly 21st-century way.

Leaving a church is not the same as dying, but there is grief involved. I’ve had people say to me, “At least we can still keep in touch with Facebook.” We won’t see one another on a daily or weekly basis, but I will exist “virtually” for them. And they for me. And we’ll just figure it out as we go.


5 replies
  1. Diane says:

    What are your thoughts on limiting what some people (e.g., parishioners/co-workers) can see? I have 500+ friends but less than a quarter of them can see my wall and all my status updates. I don’t have anything to hide (unless you count not wanting my youth members to see a rated-R movie under my favorites list), but I decided that I needed some sort of boundaries between personal/professional life. [I also don’t see why a friend from elementary school needs to know what I’m eating for dinner, so those “friends”/acquaintances are also on the limited list!]. I am happy with this “limited access” friendship solution, but I do still worry that it might appear that I am hiding something/being less than transparent… but it seems better than a) refusing congregational friend requests or b) losing any sense of privacy.

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  2. Heather says:

    I continue to be FB friends with folks in my former parish, 14 months after leaving, in that I continue to follow them, and they, me. But I rarely post on their walls or respond to their status lines (beyond a “like”). I think that this is less problematic than other ways (my predecessor in that parish visited parishioners regularly on her way through town to visit family, “as a friend,” a friend who sat and prayed with them and read scripture with them, and…).
    As to the loving the new job messages, most folks in the old congregation will want you to be happy, so go for it!

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  3. Lisa Daross says:

    And regarding hiding in plain sight – I don’t think that was wrong. I like your analogy of a pressure valve – and I think it’s a valuable way to deal with the pressure.
    I’ve used FB similarly lately as I’ve been struggling with depression issues. I wanted to let those in my life who knew about what was happening know what was going on with me on a particular day, but not to broadcast it in plain language to the world. In that way, I can understand what you are saying about what you chose to write in FB. Those who “knew” what was going on could choose to write further to you – hopefully in a more discreet manner to which you could respond candidly. As has happened with me. The support from friends on FB has been sustaining, and I imagine it has been for you too. It would be a shame to lose that support.
    For what it’s worth, I think that remaining in FB contact with your former parishioners is valuable – and I also think that however you respond, it will be as a “pastor” – it seems to me that this is so much the fabric of who you are that it would almost be impossible not to! But I hear what you’re saying…there’s a difference between responding in a loving, pastoral way and providing “pastoral care” as it is defined for an ordained minister. Navigating the new boundaries will definitely be a challenge! Again, blessings to you.

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  4. Marci says:

    There are times I wish I would not have “friended” members of my congregation on Facebook in the first place. Most of the time it works out fine, but there are moments when I’d like to have some separation of church and whatever else it is we have out there (life?).
    I do love Facebook as a way to re-connect with youth from congregations I served way back in the day, but I do not befriend youth who are still in high school and have a new youth pastor serving them.
    I have also come into contact with the previous pastor of the church I serve through Facebook. This has been a welcome relationship for me. He has been gone from the congregation for almost 4 years now, but Facebook provides an easy way for me to let him know when a parishioner has died.
    In general, I think Facebook’s virtual relationship is a useful tool for transitions as you and Shannon are in now. But my prayers are with both of you, none the less.

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  5. Lisa Daross says:

    A friend of mine recently went through the same situation and we had similar conversations on this very topic! A youth worker at a church in our synod, he left that job to take a youth director position at a different church (not ordained so technically it was not a “call” – but it is the same in spirit.) One of the things he found so wrenching about the process was how to handle relationships on Facebook with the teens from the old church, even as he began building relationships with the teens at the new church. It’s fascinating to me how similar your stories are – how do you respond appropriately to your “old friends” who are posting or writing about problems…which aren’t yours anymore, so to speak, to handle pastorally? He still wrestles with it, I think. Blessings to you as you navigate this!

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