Ask a Young Clergy Woman: Grace and Goodbyes Edition


Post Author: Askie


Dear Askie,
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I have been serving in my current call for almost five years. This was my first church out of seminary, and I have grown so much in this place- through joyful times as well as difficult ones, I know we have been doing God’s work together. But now God is calling me to a different stage in my ministry. I have accepted a new position in a town an hour and a half away, and as I prepare to move on I’m feeling torn between my sadness at leaving the place and people that have formed me, and my excitement about starting in my new congregation. How do I say goodbye?

Moving On

Dear Moving,

First- congratulations on your new call! No matter the denomination or tradition, all of us in the ministry life experience some itinerancy, and it sounds like you are feeling the bittersweetness of that way of life. The awesome potential (and a little fear, to be honest) of what is to come is always tempered by the grieving process you are about to go through- saying goodbyes to people you have spent years working and praying with, and also saying goodbye to the familiar in the face of the unknown. There are few things you can do to make this transition as smooth and as graceful as possible for you and for the people you are saying farewell to, and to lay a foundation for your next call.

Most denominations have their own guidelines for the logistics of a healthy leave takings, and you should start by checking with your judicatory or church hierarchy to make sure you know what is expected of you- then make sure those boundaries or restrictions are communicated clearly to everyone in your current call. Typically, there is an intentional separation period of a year or more between you and your former congregants. This separation period is for everyone’s benefit- it gives you room to concentrate on your new congregation and build new pastoral relationships, and allows the people you are leaving behind and the minister following you in your last call to do the same. This separation period might be particularly difficult for you if you have formed many deep relationships, and so it helps to remember that it doesn’t last forever- after your time is up, you can (with intentional and healthy boundaries) reconnect as appropriate.

Pastoral separation doesn’t mean turning and running in the opposite direction if you see a former member in the grocery store, it means exactly what it is called- a cessation of pastoral care for that individual, and a redirection to his or her new pastor. This might be particularly difficult for you, Moving, because you will remain geographically close to the church you are leaving, but the sentiment is the same.  An example would be a member from a former church calling you to tell you his spouse is in the hospital. The healthy response would be to express concern, perhaps offer a prayer over the phone, but then encourage him to call his current pastor for a visit and support. Similarly, if you are called within this separation period (and some would argue even after that period has passed) and asked to return to your former church to perform a wedding or funeral there, you say no and explain why it is appropriate for the current pastor to be the one involved. Some might argue that a wedding performed in a different venue is a different story, but even then Askie, being a collegial type, would call the current pastor and check in about what he or she thinks would be the proper course of action. Often just including your colleague in the conversation is enough to help everyone feel good about the situation.

Here Askie should note that in every congregation one serves, there will be members who become, over the course of ministry, friends. This is a healthy by product of doing good work together. Leaving the congregation where these friends worship can be freeing, in a way, because while in the same community, you will always be their pastor first and friend second, but once you are serving another community, you have the freedom to put aside the pastoral relationship and be mutually supportive. Again, all of this takes more work than the usual sort of friendship struck up in the course of regular life, but establishing clear communication about expectations and the changing nature of the relationship as you change roles can make the friendship that much more rewarding and deep. What you cannot do, because you are a graceful and humble servant of God, is ever engage in criticism of the current pastor with this friend. It just isn’t fair, and your own integrity will be what is at stake. Trust Askie on this. If there are serious concerns, direct those complaining to the proper person or body in the hierarchy of your particular tradition, but the way to hell is paved with good intentions, and the way to serious trouble, both spiritual and with your bishop/executive presbyter/etc. is meddling in the affairs of a congregation that is no longer under your care.

So how do you actually say your goodbye? In the best case scenario the pastor announces her planned move in consultation with the lay leadership of a church (a month seems to be the sweet spot for this formal notice period, allowing plenty of time to tie up loose ends and process leaving with individuals but not dragging things out), and gives the congregation a chance to formally mark the end of the ministry with a celebration of some sort- maybe a special service, maybe a party for the minister and her family, maybe all of those things or something else entirely. The important part is that everyone is invited and has a chance to say goodbye. Ritualizing the farewell gives all involved a chance for closure.

In the old days, before social media, after the formal farewell the boxes would be packed, the moving truck would come, and that would be that (or you would retire and continue to show up every Sunday and sit in a pew and say unsupportive things about the minster who follows you, and then you would be the reason most denominations have created clear guidelines for healthy leave taking!). The advent of Facebook and Twitter have made relationships a lot more fluid, and leaving a lot more difficult. Some judicatories have strict policies about this sort of interaction as well, and require outgoing pastors to “unfriend” and “unfollow” members of the current congregation as part of their departure. Most, though, haven’t quite caught up with technology, leaving pastors to navigate these waters on their own. Err on the side of caution and treat interactions online just like you would an encounter face to face.  Does your comment or message feel like pastoral care? Then offer up a silent prayer on that person’s behalf and then delete it. Just like real life relationships, some will continue after your separation period ends, but the time apart is important to making that continuing relationship possible.

The reward for all of this healthy good behavior and creation and maintaining of boundaries is this- one Sunday, you will walk into whatever church you are serving to start a worship service, and a member of a former congregation will be there in a pew, excited to surprise you, and your heart will explode with joy and gratitude and with all the love that will flood your body. You will catch up during coffee hour and reminisce about mission trips you took together and you will introduce this person to your current community, and you will bask in the glory of God, and in the knowledge of the series of lives you have touched and been touched by, intersecting like a web covering the entire world, all because you were called and said “Yes, Lord, send me.”

 

 

 


Do you have a question for a Young Clergy Woman? Do you think our YCW was completely off in her answer? Comment below, or submit your own question- or answer- to ask.ycw(at)gmail(dot)com.


1 reply
  1. Julie says:

    It never ceases to amaze me how posts show up just when I need to see them!

    I am also about to leave my current position of two years, but I am not going to another church. I am leaving for a reassessment time about my future plans and desire to be in ministry.

    These tips have been helpful on how to negotiate the leaving process, especially about how long before leaving to tell the congregation. I have already turned in my resignation, but gave two months of notice and I have been wondering when to give the leadership the thumbs up to announce it. It is very hard to imagine leaving, but I know it’s the right thing to do for myself and the congregation. So, thank you for these words, even though they weren’t meant for me!

    Reply

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